


Hey there stranger

by BrightestStar1812



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, James Potter is a Good Friend, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:33:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26718307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightestStar1812/pseuds/BrightestStar1812
Summary: When the Marauders start their fifth year, Sirius starts to act strangely. The Marauders try to cheer him up and get their smiling, happy friend back. All the while they try to figure out what happened to their black haired friend, why he was acting like this. But then one of the worst things that could possibly have happened, did happen. A Marauder betrayed another Marauder, to one of their enemies to that. So the rest of them let Sirius down in the time when he would need them the most. Will their friendship have a chance? Will they figure out what is bothering Sirius? Will they help him? Will it happen in time?The fanfic isn't as dark as the tags suggest. Well, maybe it isn't exactly light, but there is a lot of friendship too, they're really close. I kinda love the Marauders' friendship. Well anyways, I volunteer to give Sirius that needed hug.
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Comments: 85
Kudos: 126





	1. Here we stand or here we fall, history won't care at all

It was night. 

Only the moon enlightened the fifth year Gryffindor dorm slightly. On the door of said dorm the words 'Fifth year' were scratched out and 'Marauders' was written in its place in a messy writing. It was the name the four inmates of the dorm gave themselves. 

Right now, all of them were sleeping. 

Peter Pettigrew, a rather chubby boy, was snoring loudly. Remus Lupin lied absolutely calm in his bed, his steady breaths moving the end of his duvet slightly. James Potter was sprawled over his bed, still wearing his glasses and his mouth hanging slightly open. On the bed next to James', Sirius Black tossed and turned in his sleep, his face was scrunched up in a pained expression. He started whimpering, it was a pathetic and pitiful sound, not quite loud, but loud enough for James and Remus to wake up with a start. 

The two of them were unfortunately used to their friend having nightmares and over the years they learned to sense even the quietest sound of them. 

They looked at each other worriedly, it was only a week into their new school year and Sirius had had nightmares every night so far. 

They walked over to the raven haired boy's bed, their friend looked so vulnerable and fragile lying there curled up in a ball, whimpering. In that moment they could perfectly see just how thin Sirius was. After the summer holiday he always came back to school thinner than when they had last seen him in June. 

As Remus and James knelt down beside Sirius' bed, they could understand what the boy they thought of as a brother was saying :"No, no, please don't. Stop, please." Now tears started to stream down his face and it broke Remus' and James' heart to see him hurting like this. 

"Sirius,wake up Sirius. It's just a dream. You're here at Hogwarts, with us. You're safe, I swear that I won't let anyone hurt you", James tried to wake him up gently, "you're safe." 

They didn't quite dare to touch him, as they never knew how the sleeping teen would react to that. Often Sirius would flinch away from the touch and it would worsen his nightmares. 

As the boy still wouldn't wake up and just started to cry harder, James tried it again, this time a bit louder:"Hey Sirius. You need to wake up, okay mate? It's not real, they can't hurt you here, we won't let them." 

This time Sirius stirred and finally opened his eyes. He looked around, while frantically trying to wipe away the tears, but that didn't have much effect, as he still couldn't stop his tears from falling. That worried Remus and James greatly, it had to be a pretty bad nightmare, when he couldn't stop himself from crying, even if he was awake. 

Now that Sirius wasn't asleep anymore and they wouldn't startle him, James leaned forward to hug his best friend tightly. Sirius stopped to try to wipe his tears away, leaned into the embrace and cried against James shoulder. The latter was whispering what he hoped were reassuring and calming things. 

After Sirius composed himself enough to speak, still leaning against James he said in a small, shaky voice:"I'm sorry, I woke you up, I-" 

"Don't be ridiculous, Siri", Remus said softly. Even though they were out of the age where you used such 'childish' nicknames, they didn't really mind and it just felt right in a situation such as this. 

Grabbing Sirius', who was still in James' arms, hand softly, he continued in a soothing voice:"Could you tell us what your nightmare was about?" 

An unreadable look crossed Sirius' aristocratic features, then he tried for a smile and simply stated:"The usual... My family and that stuff..." 

James and Remus both had the feeling that there was something he didn't tell them, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was. The two boys both silently agreed that it was better not to press the matter, the poor boy was already stressed out enough. 

James felt a little sting in his heart, Sirius and he never had any secrets from each other. They told each other everything, literally, from their greatest strengths to all their weaknesses, from their biggest dreams to their greatest fears. James was the first to know when Sirius had his first kiss in second year, when he did IT for the first time aged 14 in a broomcloset on the 6th floor, he was the one to comfort him after all the hateful letters of his parents, the one to sleep in his bed and with his mere presence keep the nightmares away. Sirius was his brother in mind, his brother in soul, his brother in magic and his brother in heart. They were brothers in everything but blood. He knew Sirius better than himself, at least he did until this year started. He felt like they were drifting apart and it hurt. 

Remus squeezed Sirius' hand a little and got up:"Never be sorry to need our help, okay? And... If you'd ever like to talk, you know we will always listen, right? We're there for you." 

With those words Remus stalked back to his bed and fell back asleep after a few moments. It was full moon soon and Remus was pretty exhausted on these days. 

"Want me to stay here?" James asked, after he was sure that Remus was asleep. 

As Sirius hesitated, James frowned slightly. They often slept in the same bed, they did since the second half of first year. First it was to help Sirius cope with his nightmares, but then sometimes they would just share a bed because they enjoyed each others company (in NO sexual way) and because they could always calm each other down without even saying anything, with just being there, no matter what struggle they were facing. 

At last Sirius hesitantly told James that he could stay. 

James frowned again and said:"You know that you can say no, right? I can't and sure as hell won't force you", it felt strange to say those words, as if he were some intruder, as if it wasn't something they always did and he considered normal. 

He searched Sirius' face, looking for some answer, as he didn't find any, he repeated his last words. 

"I won't and can't force you. Nobody can." he added as an afterthought. James thought that he saw Sirius wince at his words, but was too happy by the reassuring smile that appeared on Sirius face a few moments later, to really care enough or give it any mind. 

"Yeah, I know. You gave me that 'No means no' and 'don't let anyone force you to do anything your not comfortable with' speech often enough. I'd like to sleep now, what about you?" 

They shifted to lay down and as James put an arm around Sirius, he felt the other boy snuggle against him. Soon Sirius slipped into unconsciousness, James looked at the small and too thin frame of his best friend just a moment longer. 

Sirius had seemed off the whole week, but James mostly just shrugged it off and tried to be there for him as much as possible. After all Sirius always needed a few days to get back to his normal, funny, confident, cheeky and absolutely lovable self, the one who would light up the room with his smile. Not that James didn't love him when he was like this, he couldn't really imagine anything that would make him stop caring for the boy in his arms. So it wasn't that, he just sometimes feared, that like this Sirius wouldn't be able to love himself. 

He would figure out what was bothering him. He hated to see him like this and he hated that it was separating them. His last thought before he too travelled to the land of dreams was, that he would do anything to make it right.</p>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this will be about the Marauders' Fifth year. It will be mostly Sirius-centric. What do you think so far?  
> If you have any ideas for this story, feel free to write them, after all this is a journey together!  
> In addition, I will warn you at the beginning of each chapter, should there be a triggering theme treated. I hope you're all good and stay safe. :)  
> Lots of love, Aria<3
> 
> Title from 'Hammer to fall' by Queen


	2. What have I become, my sweetest friend?

When Sirius woke up the next morning, curled up against James, the red and gold walls of the dorm shimmered gently in the first sunrays.

A look at the clock told him that it was six thirty in the morning. Sirius was always the one to wake up the earliest in the morning, he just liked to use the day to the fullest.

Well, normally that is. Today he didn't feel like doing anything, like he had felt for the past two month.

Well knowing that he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep anyways, he got up with a sigh and headed straight for the showers.

While he just stood there in the shower and let the water stream freely, he hoped that his fellow Marauders wouldn't question him further about what his nightmare was about. He also hoped that he hadn't talked in his sleep and hadn't said anything that would give his biggest secret away.

'When have I become like this?', Sirius thought to himself, 'When have I stopped telling them the truth?'

But then he told himself that he would tell them eventually, it was inevitable anyways. He just wasn't ready yet, he just couldn't. A small voice in his head whispered that maybe he would never be ready.

After a few minutes he turned off the shower and started to dry himself off. Then he dressed and, still rubbing with a towel at his wet hair, stepped into the dorm.

There he found his three best friends talking softly to each other, but as soon as they heard him enter, they went silent. James, Remus and Peter turned to look at him and gave him what he supposed should be smiles.

"Hey, mate! How are you?" James asked in a way too cheery voice.

Sirius frowned slightly, what were they talking about? What was it that they didn't want him to know? But then again he was one to talk. After all he kept a secret from them as well. So he just smiled, said that he was fine and hoped it would be enough.

"I'm hungry, let's go to breakfast, yeah." Peter piped up in an attempt to ease the tension that had built up in the last moments.

They all agreed a tad too eagerly and smiled a bit too brightly.

When they were about to leave the room, James and Sirius a few steps behind Peter and Remus, James grabbed Sirius arm, who flinched slightly at the touch. James let go of him immediately, wondering why it had caused such a reaction.

"Sirius, you're not OK and we both know it. I'm your best friend, I know when you're down even before you know it yourself and I hate seeing you like this. So as your best mate, should I intervene or accept the lie?" James asked gently.

"Accept the lie, please. I'm gonna be okay." Sirius answered, his downcast gaze travelling up to meet his friend's.

James looked into the pleading silver eyes of the boy he considered a brother for a few seconds longer. With a small sight he nodded and led the two of them down to the Great Hall.

On the way there Sirius couldn't stop himself from thinking that he lied to the person he trusted the most again. Because really, he wasn't that sure, if he would ever be alright again.

In the Great Hall the Marauders took their usual seats at the Gryffindor table trying to take up their normal routine again. They planned pranks, told jokes and Remus even managed to make them talk about the upcoming OWLs. All the while Remus and James threw worried side-way glances at Sirius, who wasn't really eating, just pushing around the food in his plate. He was also a lot quieter than usual, he had been quieter ever since term started a week ago.

James decided that when he couldn't do anything to help his friend with his mental issues, he could try to solve at least the physical ones. He started to load the plate of his too thin friend with a variation of healthy and nutritious foods. Sirius looked up at him in surprise.

"Eat!" James ordered with a grin and waited for his friend to start eating, looking at him expectantly.

"James, look, this... er... I'm not really hungry..." Sirius stuttered, looking at the food in front of him wearily.

"Bullshit", James simply said, "You're way too thin and I'm not gonna leave until you ate that. It's Saturday, I haven't planned anything, so you might as well start eating."

Sirius gave a dramatic sigh and placed his hand on his heart. "I thought we were friends." he said in a mock sad voice, nevertheless he started eating.

James was more than satisfied with his friend's little act that made him sound like his normal self again and with him eating. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Remus and Peter wear the same satisfied expressions. Maybe Sirius was right and he just needed his usual amount of time to come back to normal. Maybe everything would be alright.

The day went by in a rush, the four Marauders visited Hagrid, his dog Fang like always being particularly fond of Sirius, they made some research for a prank, they cracked jokes and lay on the grass by the Black lake.

Everything seemed like always, except it wasn't.

The next few days went on in pretty much the same manner, until one evening James had had enough and blurted out:"Stop the act already, Sirius, would you?"

The other three Marauders looked all at him in shock. Of course Remus noticed that Sirius tried too hard to act normal, he hadn't even had any nightmares anymore (or he just used silencing charms, which Remus feared was the more likely option). Even oblivious Peter noticed that there was something off with Sirius' behaviour, Remus just thought that James could have put it more gently.

"What he means is that you don't have to pretend to be okay, you don't have to put on an act for us, we know you. It's okay to be down sometimes, you always can talk..." Remus tried to put it more gently, but he was cut off by Sirius. 

"What the hell do you want? You said that you weren't okay with me being a bit... well,... sad. You said you wanted me to act normal again, but now that isn't good either. So what do you want?"

Remus, James and Peter were taken aback by this little outburst.

James was the first one to recover: "Scratch that, that's not what we meant. Of course we want you to be normal again, but not like this; never like this. We want you to be happy, honestly happy, we want you to be alright."

Sirius sighed and run a hand through his hair, a habit that he had picked up from James and whispered :"Not sure if I can give you that right now..."

A bit louder he said:"I need some time alone." and headed for the door.

He seemed to need a lot of time alone these days. It was strange really, sometimes he wanted to be alone, but then when he was alone he just wanted someone to be there. It was strange that he wanted to be alone in the first place, he had always loved being around people and hated being alone.

It's crazy how one little thing could change his whole life so much, it wasn't a big deal, right? He shouldn't let it destroy everything he had built up, he shouldn't let them win.

But he was so tired of fighting alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kind of a fill-in chapter to understand the whole dynamic and Sirius' thoughts better. In the next chapter there will be a first encounter with Snape and Lily and Sirius will get to know each other better. In the process they may or may not become friends. Also there will be some classes. Hope you're all good and enjoy the story. :)  
> Lots of love, Aria<3
> 
> Title from 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash (originally by NIN)


	3. Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in

Sirius stormed out of the portrait hole towards the staircase that led to the astronomy tower.

Once he arrived up there he was a bit breathless.

It was a cold night, the wind was blowing Sirius' wavy, black hair into his eyes. He sighed and looked up at the clear nightsky, it offered a beautiful picture.

Sirius, the star, being brighter than any other star. But the brightest stars burn out the quickest. He sighed again and let his gaze drift over the grounds.

Sirius stepped closer to the edge and sat down, feet dangling off the edge. The astronomy tower had gotten his 'go-to' spot, when he needed time to think, something that he needed desperately right now. He wished that he had a cigarette right now. Smoking was a habit he took up about a year ago, but he soon had to promise his fellow Marauders that he would stop.

Sirius looked down at the ground, how easy would it be to just... No, he didn't want to finish this thought, not as long as he had a reason to stay and his friends were reason enough. His friends... Sirius honestly didn't know what to do. He didn't want his friends to worry about him, he wanted them to be happy. He always used to bring them sunshine, now all he ever did was bring them down. He really tried his best to get back to normal, to just forget everything, but he just... couldn't. Sirius felt so lost and helpless.

It sometimes felt like something inside of him was broken, something that could never be mend. Maybe he would never be the person that he used to be.

By now Sirius was shivering, he couldn't tell if it was because of the cold night air or because of his dark thoughts. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and as hard as he tried, he couldn't stop them from falling. He felt pathetic, weak...

All of a sudden he heard the sound of footsteps coming toward him, as soon as the person in question reached the top of the tower, they came to an abrupt stop. Sirius wiped furiously at his face, well aware that he couldn't fully conceile that he had just been crying.

"Oh, it's you Black.", he heard the annoyed voice of Lily Evans," shouldn't you be inside shagging some girl or something?"

A look of hurt crossed Sirius' face, as he cleared his throat:"I'm just going to act like I didn't hear that."

He winced as his voice came out as a small, hoarse whisper.

Lily must have noticed it too as her next words were spoken in a softer voice:"What's wrong, Black?"

Lily came over and sat down beside him. As she looked at Sirius' tearstained face, she frowned. Sirius Black was crying? What the hell was going on?

"You know, erm, Bl-Sirius, I know we aren't exactly friends, but, erm, whatever it is that you're upset about, just know that you can talk to me. Talking often helps." Lily said awkwardly.

She didn't particularly like Sirius, but much less she liked seeing, the usually happy boy, like... this.

For some reason Sirius started crying again, he didn't even know himself why.

"M-my family, they hate me-", he started when his sobs subsided, but cut himself off.

Why was he telling her this when he didn't even talk to his friends about it? Sirius knew that Lily was a good person and he could trust her. She would be the last person to judge him, to judge anyone. He feared that his friends would treat him differently, when he told them everything, but he had nothing to loose with Lily, as they hadn't a relationship to begin with.

He glanced at her, she was sitting there, waiting patiently for him to continue talking. So he resumed talking and once he started he couldn't really stop, ending up telling her everything. He told her how even before he was a Gryffindor, he could never be good enough, about his parents hurting him.

At the beginning they punished Sirius for every little step out of line, beating him, lashing him, starving him, throwing curses at him, when he was especially unlucky they even used the Cruciatus curse and how they eventually decided that they didn't even need a reason anymore. He told her how his first outburst of accidental magic apparated him away from his home, when he couldn't take it anymore, how he hated that he was forced to call that hell hole home. He talked about family gatherings, how it was always him against them all, how it always ended up the same, it was a loosing battle. How he and his brother had been close when they were younger, how they weren't anymore. And lastly he told her about the things his father did to him this summer, how he always came into his room doing those horrible things, how he felt so helpless.

At that part he started crying again, sobs wracking his body, making it hard to speak. After he choked the words out, Lily hugged him tightly, letting him cry into her shoulder.

She had tears in her eyes too, when shespoke to him, trying to keep her voice level:"Oh Merlin, Sirius!"

She wanted to say something comforting, but how could she say 'it's alright', when it wasn't? She wanted to express her compassion, but knew he didn't want to be pitied. So she just kept her mouth shut and held him close.

'Like a mother would hold her child.' Lily thought to herself, wondering if Sirius had ever been held like this.

After Sirius had calmed down enough to speak again, he said softly:"They always said that Regulus got the brains and I got the looks. They said that I was stupid, that the only thing that I ever be good for is that I'm pleasant to the eyes."

He turned to look up at her and continued:"I know that everybody says that I just sleep around and that I shagged half the female Hogwarts population. I know what they call me. But it's not true, really."

Lily bit her lip, remembering what she told him at the beginning of their encounter. After everything he just told her she felt just downright stupid to judge the boy even though she barely knew him.

"Sorry, I didn't know... I didn’t mean..."Lily stuttered, Sirius managed to give her a small smile through the tears.

"S'okay." He looked at her:"Why did you come out here anyways, I'm pretty sure it's past curfew, Miss Prefect and it's cold up here."

At that Lily gave a bitter laugh and answered:"I guess I just wanted to think."

"About?" Sirius questioned.

"Thoughts."

"Right, want to talk about those notorious thoughts?"

Lily mused a little if she should tell Sirius what was on her mind.

She decided that, yes, she would tell him, he told her his story too, even though it must've been hard for him.

"But just so you know, my problems seem laughable compared to yours." Lily warned the dark haired boy.

"Just because your problems are less... erm...bad than mine, it doesn't mean that they're less important." Sirius said while putting an arm around the girl's shoulder.

Lily didn't expect such an answer, more and more she felt like she gave him less credit than he deserved. His words reassured her and it was her turn to pour out her heart.

"I got a letter from my sister today, you see. In that letter she said that she wanted to introduce her boyfriend to our family this Christmas. She told me to stay at school, because I, with my freakish behaviour, would ruin everything for her. She went on and on about how embarrassed she is for me, that I am some kind of sick mutation."

Lily, while she told him everything about her sister, how they were close until she went to Hogwarts, how she treated her like she didn't exist and/or was a disgusting freak, felt tears running down her cheeks.

Now Sirius engaged her in a full hug.

'It was good to be comforted like this' Lily thought.

She was popular enough in school and hadn't problems with anyone, but her only true friend was Severus, as the other Gryffindor girls obviously didn't want to spend time with him, not even for Lily, so she didn't really get to know them. And Severus... Well he was a good friend, but he just didn't understand these things. Instead of comforting her, he just insulted her sister (the worthless muggle) and that wasn't really something she wanted to hear. So she didn't really talk to anyone about it.

After a bit Lily's tears subsides too and they just sat arm in arm for a while longer, both feeling a lot lighter now, that they were carrying their problems together.

Lily was the first to break their comfortable silence.

"You know, Black, I'm really sorry I judged you, I really thought you were an arrogant idiot."

At that Sirius chuckled:"Well, to be fair I must admit that I thought you were just stuck-up know-it-all that thought she was better than everyone else. And I,er, didn't really like you for the way you are treating James. He's my best friend, brother even and some things that you said really hurt him. He isn't as bad as you think."

Lily bit her lip and said:" Okay I guess if we want that this friendship works, we need two rules: I won't talk bad about Potter, if you won't talk bad about Severus. In fact, let's not speak about those two at all."

"Hold on a second, friendship?" Sirius asked wide eyed.

"Well, if you want to be friends, Black?"

At that Sirius gave a bark-like laugh, the first real laugh in a long time, he noticed.

"Why, of course I would like to be friends with the great Lily Evans. Just... one thing, please stop calling me Black, I really hate that name."

Lily sensed that the mood was sinking again, so she attempted a joke:"OK, you don't like Black? Then I'll call you Siri-starlet!"

"Oh really, will you Lily-flower?"

They both laughed, but at the same time decided to stick with those nicknames.

And so a new friendship was born, out of dark times and hurt, they've just seen each other at their most vulnerable points. Both knew that such friendships were strong. Whatever would happen in the future, they would share this bond forever. Still arm in arm they went inside, warm despite of the cold surrounding them.

And nobody of the two noticed the shadow of a person creeping down the stairs behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is how Sirius' and Lily's friendship was born. What do you think? Who's shadow do you think it was?  
> Oh and by the way, I think I never mentioned that English isn't my first language, it isn't even my second or third language. So, yeah I guess you already noticed that. And there is no beta, we die like the Marauders.  
> Hope you all had a lovely day and if anything should ever bother you, you can write me:)  
> Lots of love, Aria <3
> 
> Title from 'Candle in the wind' by Elton John


	4. Look what they've done to my dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to warn you that there is mentioned abuse and implied rape in this chapter, but it is only brief and nothing grafic:)  
> And the text between *.. * is a dream (Well, nightmare, actually)

Both Gryffindors, after they hugged each other goodbye, went to their respective dormitories to get at least an hour or two of sleep, after all they had classes in the morning.

Sirius felt better than he had ever felt in these last few months and thought that maybe this night he wouldn't wake up screaming or crying.

In the last few nights he dealt with his nightmares on his his own, because a) he didn't want to wake his friends (the full moon was just a few days ago and they needed rest) b) he didn't want them to worry or question him about them and c) he didn't want them to find out by saying something suspicious like 'don't touch me' (of which he was pretty sure, he said really often during the night). But today seemed like the first night he might actually get some rest.

With moonlight illuminating his pale skin and handsome features, there could be seen a smile on the sleepy boy's lips.

* As the door creaked, Sirius woke up with a start. He winced as he felt a wave of pain wash over him, the last punishment had left its marks.

Once over the shock of the pain, he tried to blink the sleep away and see something in the darkness. He then noticed that the walls weren't those of the Gryffindor dormitory... they were those of his room at Grimmauldplace.

He looked around frantically, trying to sit up, just to be pushed back on the bed by a heavy weight.

In the next moment Sirius felt his father's hot breath on his neck, he shivered and tried to push him away. But that only led to a slap from his father.

"Keep quiet!" Orion Black hissed.

While Sirius was still musing what that had to mean and what this all was about, his father's hand travelled down to his hips. He stared at his father wide-eyed, too shocked to do anything.

As Orion pulled his son's pyjama bottoms down, the latter snapped out of his shock and started to panic. Sirius tried to break free from his father's grip, he mused if he should scream but there were only his mother and brother in the house. The former wouldn't care about him screaming and he didn't want the latter to see this. So he opted for wriggling and kicking instead, but that only resulted in more punches from his father. He didn't really have much of a chance with the taller and broader man on top of him.

After a few more minutes of silent fighting in which Sirius gained a lot of bruises, his father's hand closed around his throat. Sirius felt tears spring to his eyes, as he gagged and choked, eventually going limp. Just before he could slip into unconsciousness, his father loosened his grip and continued undressing his son and himself.

After gasping for air, Sirius felt that he was to weak to keep fighting, so he just pleaded:"No... Please stop... S-stop, d-don't... Don't touch m-me." The right side of his face erupted in pain, as his father backhanded him.

"Didn't I say to keep quiet, boy?!" Then there was pain, Sirius had to try really hard not to cry out in agony, tears were streaming down his face.... *

Sirius woke up with a start and looked around panicked. Breathing seemed like a really hard task, his chest rising and falling in an irregular rhythm and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

As he realised that he was in the Gryffindor 5th year boys dorm, he relaxed a bit. A look around the room told him that the silencing charm did its job and nobody has woken up. He tried to calm himself down further, it was just a dream. Or well, it wasn't exactly just a dream, but it wasn't real right now.

He clinged to the thought of the conversation with Lily mere hours ago, it seemed to make breathing easier and managed to bring a small smile to his lips. Even though it apparently didn't keep his nightmares away, he wasn't alone anymore and that was so much.

After he was relaxed enough that his breaths didn't come out as gasps and he stopped crying, he glanced at the watch (7:11) and started to get ready.

Soon the four Marauders were all hurrying around the dorm, more or less awake.

Peter, who was in the bathroom, shouted:"Oi, Remus! Is the green toothbrush mine or yours?"

Remus answered with a fond eyeroll:"Mine is the blue one, where there's written Remus on it and yours is the red one!"

In the meantime James was running around in his boxers, looking for something.

Sighing exasperately, he exclaimed:"Oi, someone seen my robes?!"

"On the windowsill, foureye!" chuckled Sirius, while throwing the robes at James.

All three Marauders stopped what they were doing to look at Sirius, the latter just rolled his eyes with a smile.

"Er... You alright?... After you stormed out of here yesterday and.... I waited for you to come back until around 2 am, then I just dozed off I guess... We were worried..." James stuttered awkwardly.

He wanted to shake Sirius for worrying him so much, but he knew that he hadn't the right to tell him what to do and what not to. And he felt guilty for his outburst the day before, so James just stood there in awkward silence.

"I'm really, really sorry." Sirius sounded genuine.

He looked at the ground guiltily, James really stayed up that late for him? He didn't want his friends to worry, that was why he didn't tell them in first place, wasn't it? Maybe it was really time to be honest with them, after all it really helped to talk to Lily.

He decided that he would tell them today, now.

He looked up at the concerned, but forgiving faces of his friends and gave them a genuine smile:"I..."

"BREAKFAST!" Peter cut him off, as he stormed out of the bathroom.

When he realised that Sirius had just been about to say something, he grinned sheepishly and asked:"Sorry, what was that Siri?"

"Oh, don't worry, doesn't matter, I'll tell you later." Sirius smiled at him.

James and Remus exchanged meaningful glances, as the Marauders made their way to breakfast.

As they entered the Great Hall, it seemed to Sirius like the first time this year, at least it was the first time he really noticed everything.

The enchanted ceiling was as beautiful as ever, girls were looking at him and giggling or winking when he looked at them. Many people were greeting the Marauders, the whole school knew them, and the Slytherins were glaring at them.

The four of them sat down in their usual seats and started eating.

Just as they were talking about a big 'back to school-prank" as they hadn't made any since the school started three weeks ago, a sandwich disappeared from Sirius' plate.

The four Marauders looked up at Lily as she plopped into the seat on Sirius' right (James being on Sirius' left) and took a bite from his sandwich.

"Morning, Siri-starlet!" Lily greeted, grinning brightly.

Remus and Peter stared at her dumbstruck and James nearly choked on his pumpkin juice from the shock.

As Sirius answered:"G'morning, Lily-flower!" they turned to stare at him.

"Iuuuuh, what is in there, cinnamon?" Lily exclaimed, placing the sandwich back on his plate, though she was smiling.

"Gross!" Sirius commented, eyeing the bitten sandwich, "and the cinnamon sandwich is delicious!" Sirius pouted.

"Aah, you still love me!" Lily grinned confidently, ruffling his waves.

"You have luck that I do." Sirius said with a huge smile.

The girls around them glared at Lily, making her chuckle.

"Uh oh, I think your fanclub thinks I'm stealing you away, better go before they decide to attack me", Lily half-joked, "see you in Potions, Sir-starlet."

"Bye, Lily-flower!"

After a brief hug Lily headed to class, leaving a gaping and glaring Gryffindor table behind, three out of four Marauders being no exceptions.

"Close your mouths or you'll eat flies." Sirius laughed.

"What.. Why... How... Lily... You.. Flowers... Stars... What??" James spluttered, making the others laugh.

"I guess we're friends now." Sirius told his fellow Marauders.

"What really?! See, I told you!! That's the proof that I'll marry Lily. If she likes Sirius, she has to like me too, we're practically the same person!" James brabbled excitedly, beaming.

Even as the Marauders left the Great Hall to go to potions, James daydreamed and talked about Lily.

All the while Severus Snape watched them from the Slytherin table. He frowned at Lily's and Sirius' displays of affection. Lily was _his_ best friend, his only real friend, he couldn't let the arrogant bully steal her. He was sure that Sirius would badmouth him in front of her and make her distance herself from him.

Yesterday night he wanted to talk to Lily, it was his job as best friend to make her feel better, but as he searched for Lily, he found her with Sirius on the astronomy tower and overheard a really interesting conversation.

He would make sure that Sirius wouldn't take Lily away from him, he was helpless and alone without her, he just couldn't loose her.

With one last glare at the Marauders he made his way to the dungeons.

Potions was the first lesson of the day for the 5th year Gryffindors and Slytherins. After Slughorn introduced them to the potion they would be making that day, Dreamless sleep potion, they were allowed to start brewing.

Severus' and Lily's potions were the best by far, Sirius' was pretty good too, all the other students seemed to struggle.

So an hour and an exploded cauldron later, all students filled their potions in vials and gave them to Slughorn.

When the bell rang, Slughorn asked Lily, Severus and Sirius to stay behind.

After everybody had left the classroom, Slughorn said:"So my dears, you're by far my best students in 5th year, especially Ms. Evans and Mr. Snape. As a reward I would love to invite you to the next meeting of the Slug-club!"

Slughorn beamed at them, while Sirius rolled his eyes. Every single time Slughorn invited him and every single time he declined, when will he get that Sirius'll never go?

Lily and Severus both said that they would love to come, while Sirius apologised for 'being busy' and not managing to come.

"Well, well then, you can go then!" Sluhlghorn dismissed them with a smile.

Lily, who had Divination now, had to run to the top of the tower, while Sirius' Arithmancy Classroom was just on the floor above them, so he didn't really have to hurry.

Just as he wanted to climb the stairs, he heard Snape's voice behind him.

"Oi, Black!"

Sirius rolled his eyes, he wasn't really in the mood to talk to him, but then again, was he ever?

"What do you want Snape?" he asked in an annoyed voice without bothering to turn around or to even stop climbing the stairs.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and flinched violently, cursing himself mentally. Snape, who had reached out to stop him from walking away, laughed.

"What, you're afraid of a man touching you?"

Sirius paled at that, mouth slightly open in shock, as he turned to Snape, who continued.

"Or is it, that just your daddy is allowed to touch you?"

Sirius got even paler at that, if it was even possible and Snape relished the moment with a smirk.

"What... How..do you... know?"Sirius choked out.

"Oh, come on, don't be stupid, who did you tell about it?" Snape's smirk grew wider, as he saw realisation dawn on Sirius' face.

"Lily..." it wasn't really a question, more a statement.

Sirius told her his darkest secret yesterday, surely she wouldn't tell anyone, especially not his biggest enemy, would she?

Meanwhile Severus watched Sirius' expression shift from hurt to anger to betrayal and back to hurt. It all worked out better than Severus had imagined.

"That's fucking disgusting, you know? You're disgusting! I mean, everybody knows that you're a whore, but sleeping with your daddy? I wouldn't like to be around someone like that, nobody would."

With those words and a last sneer he left Sirius behind, smiling to himself.

Sirius really felt like crying, he had trusted Lily, they were friends, how could she? In the morning he wanted to tell his friends everything, but now he was really glad that he didn't. What if they had told someone like Lily did or worse, what if they would be disgusted like Snape was? Snape had a point after all, it was disgusting, HE felt so bloody disgusting every time it happened. How could he even think that anybody could understand?

He swore to himself that he wouldn't tell anyone anymore, they would just leave him. Sirius felt extremely ashamed and hoped that Lily and Snape wouldn't tell anyone else.

Still standing in the corridor he broke down, shaking with sobs, tears streaming down his face.

He was alone in this all over again, because if he did tell someone they would leave him, they wouldn't want to be around someone like him or they would tell someone, like Lily did. Thinking about that hurt more than he cared to admit. He just leaned against the wall of the dungeons and cried.

The corridors were empty, he was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there happens a lot in this chapter. Sorry for everybody who likes Snape, he is pretty mean here. And for everybody's information, Lily didn't actually tell Snape anything (I think it's pretty clear, this is just a note for those who didn't understand if she did or didn't). Anyways, I didn't really read over the chapter yet, so there might be some mistakes, I'll correct it later:)  
> I hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice day:)  
> Lots of love, Aria<3
> 
> Title from 'One vision' by Queen


	5. And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand

It took a great effort to get up from the cold stone floor, but Sirius really didn't want anyone to see him in this state and classes would end in a bit.

  
He dragged himself to the astronomy tower and collapsed there, his feet giving away underneath him.

  
Right now he really couldn't be bothered going to classes, he felt so extremely tired and exhausted, that it nearly completely displaced the hurt.

  
Nearly.

  
As his mind wandered to the conversation, he felt new tears sting his eyes.  
But he was so tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of living...

  
It took such an effort to live, it hurt so much...  
He didn't know how long he sat there, staring at the sky, fighting the tears.

  
The only thing he knew was that the sky shifted from a light baby-blue to a darker, almost black, shade and stars started to appear, bringing a little light into the darkness.

  
It was evening already and Sirius was in one of those weird situation were he honestly didn't know if he should be hurt, because nobody had bothered to come and look for him or if he should be grateful, because in fact he wanted to be alone. 

He didn't settle on an option, but he tended to the former, because he was just in the mood to feel down.

But he didn't and wouldn't complain about it, he never did about anything. No matter what life gave him, he took it and always tried to make the best. He went through life with a smile on his face, he went through so much pain, still he was the one who always helped and consoled everybody who needed it. From homesick first years, to stressed fifth or seventh years, from tutoring everybody in need to healing basic injuries. He always stood up for anybody who needed protection, but never for himself. And through everything he wore his blinding smile, giving away his spark and shine to light up the world around him, not really caring that fire can burn out, that the light inside of him could go out, leaving nothing but darkness.

The name Sirius really fit him, he was the brightest star on earth, bringing everybody up, but no one quite realised that every star would burn out one day.  
And the brightest stars burnt out the quickest.  
It was ridiculous how well that name fit Sirius, because he would sure go out with an explosion, someone like him couldn't leave the world, without taking a great deal of happiness and light with him.  
All he could do was hope he wouldn't turn into a black hole.

An eternity later (at least that's how it felt), he still sat there, staring at the stars and constellations he was all too familiar with.  
But he didn't want to see those constellations with names that reminded him of horrible people.

He found himself wonder who established how the constellations are supposed to look and what their stories are. Who had the right to tell everybody what to see in the stars. Everybody saw through different eyes, then why is everybody supposed to see the same.  
He felt a little jealous of younger children. Children, who just saw stars when they looked at the nightsky. Children, who could make up their own pictures and constellations in the sky.  
You see, Sirius was a rebel from nature, a rebel with a cause, and he didn't really enjoy people telling him what to do. So yeah, stars did tell stories, but who said that it had to be their stories.  
Sometimes he wondered if one day he would look in the sky and see his own stories written there.

Hurried footsteps teared him from his thoughts, his head snapped up, but he didn't turn around to find out who the intruder was.  
Only the voice told him that it was the person he wanted to see the least right now.

"Oh good Godric, I've finally found you! I was looking for you all day, I wanted to give you something", a smirk crept on Lily's face, "in potions I nicked some of my Dreamless sleep potion, I thought it could help you with your nightmares.", her expression sobered again, "but honestly, where have you been, you weren't to any classes, I was worried sick about you."

Her green eyes stared at him with concern. But this all just made Sirius angry, because anger was easier to handle than hurt.  
How could she tell him that she cared about him after what she'd done?

If he would be in his right mind, he would notice that perfect prefect Lily risked detention by stealing potion for him, that she offered him an escape from the nightmares, that she REALLY cared about him. But hurt and anger sometimes overpower the logic and rationalise the irrational.

"Sirius, what happened? Is everything alright?"

At that Sirius snapped, as he turned to glare at her.

"Yeah, everything is just peachy, why wouldn't it be?"  
Lily frowned at the words that dripped with sarcasm.

"Okay, I really don't know what's wrong, but whatever it is, I'm here for you. You can tell me."

"Yeah, right, so you can share it with everyone else?" Sirius now nearly shouted.

Lily stared and him in shock, stuttering.

"Look, we're friends, so-"

"No, no we're not! Friends don't hurt each other on purpose! Because if that's what friends are like, I'd rather have no friends at all." the volume decreased towards the end, the last part wasn't more than a whisper.

With one last glare Sirius stormed off, leaving behind a hurt and lost Lily with no clue what she'd done wrong, some vials filled with potion in her hand and a single tear on her ivory cheek.

Sirius practically run to the Gryffindor tower, only when he was past the portrait hole he slowed his pace. He didn't really know how late it was and didn't want to disturb his mates in case they were already asleep.  
Cautiously he opened the dormitory door.

The curtains on Remus' and Peter's beds were drawn, they were sleeping, if the snoring was anything to go by.  
James on the other hand sat on his bed, looking ready to drop from exhaustion and tiredness, but still he was waiting.

James was always there waiting for him, whenever he needed time to catch up and the whole world was ahead, even after a fight James was waiting.  
The thing was just that Sirius hated to make him wait, he felt guilty for holding him up, but it was just how they functioned. They were practically attached at the hip, they understood each other without needing words, but at the same time knowing when it was better to use words.

Sirius walked over to his bed, right beside James's. Without a word James stood up and hugged him tightly, Sirius tensed involuntary.

"Where have you been? I haven't seen you all day, you weren't to any classes. Do you know how much you worried us?", James said in a somewhat accusing tone, not letting go of the other boy, despite the tensing.

Sirius opened his mouth to answer, but thinking back on the events of the day: Snape's hurtful words, Lily's betrayal, the way he treated Lily, the events that this all was about...

It was all too much and he felt his eyes well up with tears what felt like the hundredth time that day.

As he started to cry again, he melted into James's embrace. The other boy just held him closer and tried to sooth him.

"Hey, shh, it's okay, what happened? Please talk to me!"

At that Sirius shook his head vigorously, hiding his face in James's shoulder so he didn't have to look at him.

James sighed in defeat, but knew better than to push, he would wait. And again Sirius felt incredibly guilty for making him wait, but it was still better than having James look at him in disgust.

The rational part of his brain told him that there was no way that would happen, that there wasn't anything that could make James stop loving him. He just really didn't want to take any risks, he couldn't make this without friends by his side.

"We should go to sleep then, we have school tomorrow. Oh yeah, you haven't gotten any detention for skipping classes, we covered for you", James said casually, while guiding them into bed.

A mumbled "thanks" was heard from Sirius, as he looked up at the messy haired boy with red rimmed eyes.

James's heart ached as he saw his best friend, brother, favourite person in the world look this lost, afraid. He wanted to hold him forever, keeping him save from everything and everyone, fighting everyone who tried to hurt him. He would readily die for his brother, but what he realised now that he was holding his thin frame was, that we would kill for him too.

Sirius for his part was sure that the world would be alright as long as James was there by his side.  
Sure Sirius had issues and maybe he was broken, but he would do anything to not concern his friends as much as he obviously did today.

Because as long as he would shine, he would use it to light up others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, in this chapter there isn't much happening and there are more of my "philosophical" thoughts. As for the constellation thing: my sister and me used to make up constellations and stories, back when we didn't know the actual ones.  
> Tomorrow or in two days I will update again, as there wasn't much action here, there will be more in the next chapter.  
> Have a nice day people!!  
> Lots of love Aria <3
> 
> Title from 'Iris' by Goo Goo Dolls


	6. Do you still feel the pain from the scars that won't heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Potential triggers: non consensual kissing and implied panic attack at the end

The next day as the Marauders got ready for breakfast, James, Peter and Remus shot Sirius worried glances. All of them wondering, if they should confront Sirius or not.

On one hand the previous night was the second night in a row that Sirius got back late and he didn't show up to any classes, they were kind of angry that he made them worry that much, but most of all they were concerned. On the other hand Sirius really didn't look like he could use their questioning and scolding right now, he already looked bad enough as it was.  
His usually shining silver eyes were a dull grey, the sparkle and mischief lacked completely and dark circles started to form under his eyes, it looked like he hadn't slept in days.

Those things weren't obvious to notice, Sirius hair still fell perfectly, his movements were as elegant as ever and the all in all very handsome boy held his head high. But they knew him, they were best friends for years now. Even without his odd behaviour, they would have seen that something was wrong.

Therefore three quarters of the Marauders stayed up late the previous night and talked about Sirius, while they waited for him.

" _Has someone of you seen Sirius at all today after potions? Please tell me you have...what if something happened to him... What if he's hurt or..." James spluttered, while pacing around there dorm._

_"James calm down. It won't help anyone when you get a panic attack." Remus cut the other boy off, with a frown on his forehead he thought really hard about where Sirius could be._

_"It's not just today or yesterday. It's this whole school year that he was... strange. I'm worried." Peter piped up._

_Even though all of them had been thinking that exact thing for days now, nobody had been bold enough to say something. It felt like a silent agreement that they wouldn't mention his odd behaviour._

_Sure, they did talk about him when he wasn't around. They talked about what Sirius' parents might or might not do to him. Because even though Sirius more or less admitted that his family abused him, after he had woken them all up due to a particularly bad nightmare in third year, he never told them what he meant by "abuse". So the boys wondered if his parents neglected him, if they screamed at him, if they locked him in his room, if they starved him (it surely looked like they did, if their friend's thin frame was anything to go by) or if they physically abused him. The three boys didn't like to think or talk about the last option, they reasoned that despite of everything Sirius was still their son and no parent would ever physically harm their own child._

_But now here they were and what they all avoided to speak, had been spoken._

_After a few moments of silence James spoke again :"Yeah, well, I guess we all noticed. I tried to get him to talk to me, but he wouldn't. What... Why do you think he is acting like that?"_

_That last question was asked in an insecure tone, as if he were afraid of the answer._

_"Whatever it is, I think it's obvious that it has to do with his parents." Remus stated._

_As they fell silent once again, all three boys imagined possible scenarios. Finally Peter spoke up again._

_" Does it really matter what they do to him? He'll tell us eventually or he won't, it's up to Sirius. What matters now is, that whatever they are doing to him is bothering him."_

_James looked at Peter bemused, before saying: "Yeah, but when we don't know what is bothering him, we can't help him."_

_Peter shot him a sceptical look._

_"Ouh, that's bullshit! We just need to show him that we're here for him, that we care about him and that he doesn't have to keep any secrets, because we'll always support him, no matter what!", Peter's face was flushed by now and his voice was steadily increasing," What does it matter if they shout at him or beat him, what matters is that he is down because of it, what matters is how he feels! Would you be less supportive and worried if they'd "just" shout at him?"_

_James looked affronted at that._

_" No of course not! No matter how big or small his problems are, as long as they bring him down, they're always important!... Oh.. Okay, I guess I get your point, it really doesn't make a difference, but I think talking about whatever it is that bothers him would help."_

_Remus, who was silent during Peter's little rant, chimed in:" It sure would help him, but he's clearly not ready. I think Peter's right, the best thing we can do for now is be there for him."_

_James reached a hand and to his hair and messed it up and sighed._

_" Yeah, you're probably right, mates. I'm just so worried. I miss his smile and laugh, he's always so... distant and sad nowadays. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like he's the Sirius that was my best friend for the past few years. Sometimes it feels like he's slipping away and I'm scared that one day I won't be able to reach him anymore."_

Before they could decide on what to do, Sirius muttered something about "taking a shower" and stalked off to the bathroom. A defeated sigh was heard as the three boys made their way out of the dorm, while shooting sad glances at the closed bathroom door.

After Sirius had taken the shower and had made sure that the others were gone, he left the bathroom. He took a few breaths and prayed that Snape hadn't told anyone anything. When he was about to leave the dorm and opened the door, he noticed that there was something lying there. He picked the box up from the floor and unfolded the note that had been placed on top of that box.

**Hey Sirius,**  
**In the box is the sleeping draught that I'd planned to give you yesterday.**  
**I don't know what I have done, but whatever it is, I'm sorry. Can't we talk it out? But if you decide to hate me, I won't force you to talk to me. Even if I really wanted to, I can't save this friendship, if you won't meet me halfway.**  
**Anyway, I still want to help you, I still care, so please, accept and take the draught. You could use some more sleep.**  
**Love, Lily**

Sirius was really surprised at that, after all he was kind of mean to Lily yesterday and didn't really give her a chance to say anything in return. He felt a bit bad now, but he thought it was justified. On one hand he wanted to talk to Lily, so she would tell him that it was all just a misunderstanding or that there was a plausible reason. But on the other hand hand he was afraid that she wouldn't and that there wasn't. In the end he decided to postpone the decision, as classes would start soon.

Sirius sighed as he remembered that his first class would be muggle studies.

It was the only class that he didn't share with any of his friends, because Peter, Remus knew enough about muggles as they were half bloods and James refused to take a class where he had to actually study. Sirius himself wouldn't have taken that class, if it wasn't to spite his parents in a silent act of defiance. All rebellions are built on such acts after all.

When he entered the muggle studies classroom, a brunette girl instantly waved him over to her.

That girl's name was Erica Miller, she was his partner in muggle studies and one of the reasons that he wasn't that fond of this subject. Especially this year he found her constant flirting quiet annoying, he really couldn't use that on top of everything going on. He took his time to get to his seat beside her.

A moment later Ms. Antrope, their muggle studies professor, strode into the classroom.

"Good morning class, today you will work with your partners. Each pair of you will get a muggle artifact assigned and will present it in the next lesson. You are free to go to the library for research. You can begin!"

Erica leaned over to him.

"You want to go to the library?" she whispered in his ear, unnecessarily close.

For a second Sirius glared at the unmoving garden gnome, that they were supposed to hold a presentation about, as if he were the reason Sirius' life was just a massive and horribly bad joke.

"Yeah, sure, let's get going." he answered, trying for a smile.

Once they were in the library, they started researching in silence. But honestly there wasn't much to research about muggle garden gnomes.

After Erica sighed a few times (which Sirius ignored), she finally spoke.

"Okay, I think we have everything we need, why don't we do something else instead?"

She grinned at him seductively and now it was Sirius turn to sigh. But as he didn't want to upset her, he answered in the kindest tone he could muster.

"What would you like to do?"

She smiled at him, as if he just told her that she won a hundred galleons.

In the next moment she sat in his lap kissing him. Sirius, after getting over the shock, pushed her back slightly and stared at her. 

"What are you doing?", he finally managed to ask.

"Well, I've been making it obvious that I like you, but as it didn't seem that you were going to do anything about it, I took the initiative." she said with a smirk.

"Well, I didn't do anything, because I'm. Not. Interested. In. You." Sirius stated, emphasising each word, "I don't want this." he gestured between them, the girl still sitting in his lap.

At that Erica laughed.

"Every teenage boy wants this and if your afraid that I want you to commit then you don't have to worry. So just be quiet."

Then she was kissing him again. But all Sirius could think about were those words: _keep quiet_. All he could feel was that someone was on top of him, holding him down,kissing him.

Sirius felt his breath go steadily faster and his heart rate quicken. He felt panic fill his head, his breaths only desperate gasps for air by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I'm really sorry that I updated only now, I really shouldn't make promises.  
> So, I just wanted to say that I have a friend, and there were plenty of girls that went like:boys always want that one thing, even if he clearly didn't. So people, no matter if boy or girl, homo- or heterosexual or whichever other gender or sexuality a person identifies with: NO MEANS NO.  
> Please accept that!!  
> Okay, that's all, hope you have a wonderful day!!  
> Lots of love, Aria<3
> 
> Title from 'Daniel' by Elton John


	7. Don't you hear my call though you're many years away

Sirius heard a distant ring of a bell and a faint 'bye, gorgeous', but he didn't register it, not really. He couldn't move and with horror he found that he couldn't breath either. At that he started to panic even more, his whole body shaking violently. 

Was this how dying felt like? Would it be so bad, if it was just that? He tried to force his thoughts away from that, but with every shallow breath that couldn't quite supply his body with enough oxygen the option of dying became more real, at the same time the whole world around him became somehow unreal. 

Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he saw a vibrant red, then one of his clummy hands was taken into two warm ones and was pressed to a chest. 

"Breath with me." a calm voice said. And he didn't really know if it was because of the strong voice that seemed to tell him 'you can make it' or if it was because of the steady breaths beneath his hand, but he found his breaths going slightly deeper, providing him with a bit more oxygen. 

"That's it, almost there." Lily said with a reassuring smile on her face. 

Once his breaths went back to normal and he didn't feel like suffocating anymore, Sirius asked himself what just happened. He looked around wide-eyed, finally his eyes fixated on Lily. 

"What's wrong with me?" he heard himself mutter. "What the hell is wrong with me?" 

"Hey, don't say that, nothing's wrong with you." Lily whispered, as Sirius ran a sweaty hand through his dark locks. 

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everything's wrong with me, it's all just so wrong." Sirius scoffed, clearly not just talking about the recent event anymore. 

"Look, I understand-" Lily started, but was cut off by Sirius. 

"No, you don't, but that's okay. I wouldn't want you to." He looked into her grass-green eyes, considering to ask her about her betrayal, but he decided that he couldn't deal with her confirming Snape's story right now. So he decided to leave with a murmured 'thanks' instead.

Lily's pleading voice made him stop dead in his trecks: "Wait, please, we need to talk or at least tell me why you hate me all of a sudden, please." 

Sirius sighed: "I know... I just... I... It's hard for me to talk, when I can barely breath." 

"All right then... If you ever feel like suffocating, I'm here to share my breath with you." Lily answered with a small smile. 

He tried to smile back at her, but he felt like it turned out to look like a grimace instead. He turned around and continued on his tracks. 

He knew he should and would give her the chance to explain, but as long as she didn't proof the contrary, all he could go by was Snape's word. 

So much for 'in dubbio pro reo' thought Sirius bitterly, he was really unfair and rather childish. 

'Just great! Things to add to the list of bad things about me' Sirius sighed mentally. As he felt a chilly breeze, he looked around confused. It looked like his feet had carried him to the astronomy tower, every step and curve of the way already tattooed in his brain. 

When he sat down his thoughts started to flow. 

What was wrong with him? Who the hell panicked over a kiss? It was just a simple kiss, nothing more. 

His parents were smarter than him, they discovered that there was something wrong with him years ago and never tired to tell and SHOW him just how wrong he was. They tried to fix him, maybe if he let them.... It would've been so much easier if he had. He was like a dysfunctional clock now anyways, maybe pretty to look at, but broken, useless. Maybe they were right after all. 

He felt tears well up in his eyes. What was it with him and crying these days, it was all he seemed to do lately. It was a strange feeling for Sirius, he hadn't cried in years, before this summer that is. Blacks didn't cry, he had scars that reminded him of that fact, they were very light and nearly invisible, the Blacks didn't want to raise any suspicions after all, but still they were there. 

But maybe it was like with stone, sure it was strong. But there were only so many hits it could take until it would break. A dam could only hold back that much water until it breaks and everything is flooded. Maybe Sirius just broke. Maybe now he was drowning. 

It was hard not to, when one is alone in the world. As long as he could remember his parents didn't love him and if your parents, people that are supposed to love you, hate you, then how was anyone else supposed to ever really like him.  
And the only "love" he ever got from his father, he didn't want, but maybe that's the only kind of love he'd ever get from anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm incredibly sorry, I really wanted to update this story, like, two weeks ago, but our teachers decided that it was the perfect two weeks for exams. They went absolutely crazy, I really hadn't much spare time and that spare time that I had, I used to socialise😂  
> Anyways, I 'm sorry.  
> And I wanted to thank everyone who left Kudos or Comments, lots of love to you <3 (to everyone else too, obviously), I' m really thrilled every time I see a new comment or kudos.  
> Also I wanted to ask if you think I should rate this fic M or if T is okay? Aaand would you like a play list?  
> Have a wonderful day, night, morning, afternoon, whichever, enjoy it!!  
> Lots of love  
> Aria<3
> 
> Title from '39' by Queen


	8. We'd still be standing when all was said and done

Time was a weird thing, sometimes it passed way to fast, but in the worst moments it seemed to go slower. Then other times it was just there and sometimes it wasn't. 

Right now there wasn't any time there, not for Sirius anyways. Time was a created thing anyways. It was created by people that had to measure everything, that couldn't just let things happen. They wanted numbers, so they could have control, not really seeing that it doesn't matter. What does time matter? 

Right here, right now time didn't pass, not because the colour of the sky didn't shift, but because no one to whom time mattered, to whom control and numbers mattered was there. Sirius just let things happen, he didn't need to measure everything, not right here, not right now. 

So it happened once again that classes were forgotten or neglected and stars started to appear like lighthouses that tried to guide everyone in need out of their dark times. There started to appear more and more, as if trying to show that one had more than one light to guide, more than one way to choose, that there always was a choice. 

The increasing number of stars, reminded Sirius of Regulus, his little brother. The brother that he had tried to give the affection that Sirius himself had never gotten. The brother that he had taken beatings and curses for without a second of hesitation. The brother that tried to sneak food for Sirius, when their parents and Kreachure refused to give him any. The brother that he always comforted after nightmares, comfort Sirius had never gotten, until Hogwarts, until James and Remus and Peter. The brother with whom he shared lessons with private tutors, with whom he shared the thorough studies of the nightsky. During those nights that same brother had always asked him one question: "But how many stars are there?" 

Sirius didn't know the answer, he didn't really want to know it. He didn't care how many stars there were, he preferred to just admire them, he didn't need to measure them, to have names for them, it was enough to just see them. He thought that to give the stars a number would take a great deal of their magic away. True magic is mystery, it is what fascinates muggles most about their magic. So some questions are just better left unanswered. 

This situation, him sitting on the astronomy tower til night fell, seemed so familiar by now that he nearly expected a certain redhead to show up any moment. But it really helped, he felt somewhat better now. Or well, not exactly better, but his head was clearer and he was calmer. He could deal with this, he had his whole life after all, he would get through this too. 

In that moment he decided to talk to Lily the first chance he got. Thinking about her brought a anxious feeling with it. Fear what Snape would do, fear that Snape had told the truth. 

He took a deep breath, even if he was much calmer now, it still felt like his mind was walking on broken glass. For a moment he asked himself, if this was how that redheaded mermaid princess from the muggle fairy tale felt, when she walked on human legs. 

A headache was quite usual these days, he could really use some sleep for a change. Surely the Dreamless sleep potion would help with the nightmares. But before that he was going to talk to the skilled maker of said potion. 

He stood on shaky legs, his feet not being used to carry his weight after a day of sitting, and started to make his way to the Gryffindor tower. 

He was halfway to the tower when he collided with someone, sending several books and parchments flying as a result. He quickly apologised and started to pick up the books, now lying on the floor. When he looked up a grin stretched over his face. 

"Just the one I was looking for." he said, while reaching out to hand her the books. 

At that a smile formed on Lily's lips too: "Yeah?" Her smile turned a little mischievous, "You want to finally tell me why you practically yelled at me, went to ignoring me and then left me sitting in the library like an idiot?" 

Sirius bit his lip guiltily, then remembered Snape, his look turning sober again. "I had a pretty good reason to," he tried to prepare himself mentally for the next question, "did you tell Snape?" 

After a moment of silence he looked at Lily, who was already staring at him. Her stare was a mix of 'have you gone completely mad' and 'what the hell are you talking about'. 

"What exactly have I supposedly told or not told Snape?" Lily asked, now seeming to consider if he had hurt his head, if her searching eyes were anything to go by. 

Sirius squirmed, he didn't really want to have to tell that again, he didn't want those words to leave his mouth, but eventually he answered, his voice barely over a whisper: "About m- my father." He looked down, his shoes becoming very interesting all of a sudden. 

"How could you ever even consider that I'd tell anyone!" Lily exclaimed, sounding genuinely affronted, mostly covering the hurt in her voice. 

"Well, Snape told me that you told him and how else could he have known.", Sirius explained a bit thrown off by her reaction, "he, erm, he also said that... that...I was disgusting... for it". His voice nearly broke at that last part. 

Lily stared at him with wide eyes, but shock was soon replaced with anger. "He did what?! That bastard... I swear that I haven't told him anything, I wouldn't tell anyone. Not now. Not ever. I have no idea how he knows!" 

Lily sounded so genuine that he couldn't not believe her and he was extremely relieved, even if it raised more questions. 

"I absolutely don't know why he acted like that, Sev isn't a complete idiot, really," Lily continued, "but oh, I will give him a piece of my mind!" 

Lily looked determined and really pissed off. She started to stalk off, but turned around again. Then she hugged Sirius tightly. 

"You don't have to do this alone, I won't leave you, so don't push me away ever again." she whispered and Sirius couldn't help but smile. This friendship was so new, but still he missed her in the time they didn't talk. It was good to have her back. 

"Why are you here?" 

A voice startled them and the two jumped apart. But once his brain could process the sound of the voice Sirius relaxed right away, it was a voice he would recognise anywhere, a voice that sounded like home. 

"Is that an existential question or a literal one?" Lily asked, once she regained her composure, looking at James with THAT look, that she especially reserved for him. The look was a mix of slight dislike, a prise of disgust, implied superiority and something he couldn't quite place. 

James, like quite often around Lily, completely lost his cool and messed his hair up. He seemed to think really hard before he settled for "An existential one". Lily shot him a look and left with a roll of her eyes. 

James looked after her for a little while longer, until he turned to Sirius. "I was looking for you", he explained, "are you going back to the dorm?" 

Sirius was well aware of the lack of questioning, but he wouldn't complain. "Yeah." he answered smiling. 

James beamed back at him. "Wonderful mate! We really need you for our Marauder's quests! It's just not it without you!" James rambled enthusiastically. 

"You mean, you don't know how to procede without me." Sirius corrected with a little laugh. 

The so called 'Marauder's quests' were the following two. A map of the school they were planning to enchant so they would see everyone in the school on there and wouldn't get caught, when they were out executing pranks. But obviously they had to draw the map first and while Sirius was a really skilled artist, his three friends really weren't, so it was his responsibility to draw it. The second 'quest' was dangerous, reckless and not entirely legal, well, not legal at all. Peter, James and himself were trying to become Animagi. It was a really hard piece of magic and Sirius as one of the Marauder's masterminds and the best at potions out of the four of them was clearly required. 

When they entered the dorm and Remus and Peter saw him at James's side, they beamed at him and Sirius smiled straight back. 

For the rest of the evening, that was filled with laughter, the three non-werewolf Marauders got the hang out of the Animagus charm, though they wouldn’t be able to join Remus on the next full moon, as it was in two days already. They also made some progress with the map, well mostly Sirius, but the others insisted on handing him different pencils and quills. 

It was like old times again and Sirius felt like the sun was shining after days of storm, like the sun was shining brightly right now, in the middle of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter, the second in less than 24 hours!!  
> I'm sorry that I update so irregularly!  
> This one was a bit less dark, hope you enjoyed it!  
> Stay tuned for the next chapters, in the next or in two chapters there will happen something big!  
> Stay save, I hope you're healthy and enjoying life as much as possible!  
> Lots of love  
> Aria<3
> 
> Title from 'Blood on blood' by Bon Jovi


	9. Yeah I'm down but I know I'll get by

Severus Snape was sitting in the dungeons, a book in his hand. Contrary to popular belief the dungeons weren't just a dark place that you wanted to get away from as soon as possible, at least that's what Severus thought. He was able to appreciate the beauty of the dungeons, the dark stone walls, the windows that weren't allowed to be opened, because they led to the middle of the Black lake. To see the lake from down there had its own charm and fascination. 

It really wasn't that Severus was depressed, he just appreciated the dark and quiet, where Sirius would probably light a light. Because he fitted in with the dark, he was sometimes like a shadow himself. While Sirius was never really in the dark for he himself was like a beacon. 

When everything broke down, Sirius would take the pieces and built something new, probably even more glorious than it was before, but Severus could appreciate the beauty of broken things. Broken things held memories, they were there to show that good things had existed. A heart that's broken, is a heart that has loved and isn't that much better than never having loved at all? And doesn't a heart, that is in shatters remind you of your mistake? Doesn't it warn you to not make that mistake again? When you mend things, they can be broken again. Even if you rebuilt them stronger, more beautiful, when they get broken, it's just that much more that it hurts. 

So Severus was content in the dungeons. As he finally stood to walk to the Great Hall for breakfast, he relished in the dark and the peaceful silence. Until said peaceful silence was interrupted by a furious "SEVERUS!" 

"Severus!" Lily shrieked again, looking like the devil himself with dark red hair framing her face looking like it was on fire and black robes flowing around her, but especially for that furious look on her face. 

Of course Severus knew Lily's infamous temper, but up until now he was never on the receiving end of it. 

He felt like he was shrinking in on himself, when he finally put down the book and turned to fully face her. 

"Lily, what happened? Is everything alright?" Severus attempted, not wanting to show how much she intimidated him, but really who wouldn't be intimidated by a furious Lily. 

"Is everything alright?!" she repeated, gesturing wildly, "you honestly ask me if everything is alright?! Are you serious?! " 

"Fortunately, I'm not" Severus silently muttered under his breath, but obviously not as silently as he thought he did, 'cause the redhead's expression turned even more dangerous. 

"Yeah, actually that is, what this is about." Lily hissed furiously, "you told Sirius that I told you about... you know about what... And as if that wasn't bad enough, you called him disgusting, for something he wasn't responsible, for something he never wanted, for something he hates himself for?! What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!"

During her rant Lily came closer to Severus, so they were standing nose to nose now, Lily's face now as red as her hair. 

Severus had to think fast, in hindsight it wasn't such a smart move to say those things to Sirius, he didn't even know if he really ment what he said. But he really didn't like Sirius and it felt good to have power over him and hurt him, but first and foremost he wanted to destroy Sirius's bond with Lily. 

"He told you that?" Severus opted to go for the I'm-the-victim-act "I knew he would badmouth me in front of you. Honestly, you know me since we were kids, Lily, would I do something like that?" 

Severus tried to make his best sad/hurt/disappointed face as he continued:" It was only a matter of time until Potter and Black would take their bullying as far as to try to take the most important person in my life away from me."

Lily was a bit put out by that reaction, until now Lily was always on Severus's side when he blamed the Marauders for some horrible thing they have done to him. But right now she asked herself if everything Severus told her about them was in fact the truth or if it was a lie like this one. Because right now Severus was lying, wasn't he? 

Should she go against her best friend since childhood and believe his enemy or should she trust Severus and have his back in whatever he does, like she thought she always would? 

Lily decided that Sirius wouldn't lie about something like this and recalled his broken expression and how hard it was for him to say those words:"He CRIED while telling me. First you do something as horrible as that and then you lie to me? Sometimes I feel like I don't know you anymore." 

"So you chose that arrogant bully over your best friend? Maybe I'm not the one who changed, maybe it's you." Severus said while turning to walk away, trying to make her feel as guilty as possible, so she would come to him to apologise. 

"Maybe we both just try to hold on to the memory of how we used to be, failing to recognise that we no longer are on the same page." Lily answered, while she too turned to walk away, though she felt slightly guilty and hoped to be able to restore this friendship. 

It was a while now that Lily felt like she and Severus were distancing themselves from each other, she saw that he associated with the likes of Mulciber, Avery and Co. She just didn't want to believe that Severus would ever be like them, she wanted to hold on to the memory of the Severus who told her she was a witch, who told her everything about Hogwarts, with whom she spent so many summer days lying on the grass. 

She slowly began to wonder if she was holding on to a Severus that no longer existed, simply holding on to a memory. But how could she not try to fight for this friendship, how could she throw years of having someone to rely on, to always trust, to count on, away just like that. 

She wondered where they went wrong, when did she loose that kind, helping boy to someone who hated people based on their blood status. 

Lily would try her best to save Severus, even if it was most certainly a loosing battle. How do you save a rose with a drop of water when it swims in a sea of sand. But just because a battle was a loosing one, was never a reason not to fight for Lily. 

***

The four Marauders were all lying on the floor, limbs intertwined, one over the other. The precious night they stayed up late, drawing the Marauders map. Well, Sirius was drawing and the other Marauders were handing him drawing material and commented the outline of the castle with more and less helpful remarks. 

Now it was already morning and the infamous Marauders were sleeping soundly (and nightmarefree, due to a certain redhead's potion), until a loud "PIIIIP" sounded through the dorm. 

The four boys were startled out of sleep, knees connected with calfes, elbows with heads, fingers with eyes and exclamations of an annoyed "Watch it, that was my face!", a pained "You have a strong right hook.", a surprised "Why do you hate my eyes, why do you want to eliminate them, what have they done to you?" and many others could be heard. 

Once the four boys stopped injuring each other and finished moaning over said injuries, they looked at the clock. 

"Merlin's pink panties, 10 minutes 'til the first lesson starts!" James exclaimed. 

While Remus and Peter still tried to look proper, Peter even asking Sirius to tie his tie, because he never learned it himself and Sirius pureblood upbringing forced him to, James and Sirius just dressed hurriedly, Sirius tried to get rid of red ink that was on his cheek as a result of sleeping on the half finished map, and tied their ties loosely and hurriedly, achieving their trendsetting "cool" look. But contrary to popular believe they didn't purposely tie their ties loosely because they thought it made them look cool, they just didn't bother doing it properly, often due to the lack of time, sometimes because it simply was more comfortable to not have a tight tie around your neck. They just really didn't care what others thought about them, they could make fun of themselves, as long as they were in it together. 

That was nowadays at least, actually it all started in first year, when James wasn't able to tie his tie properly, his parents never forced him to attend any formal gatherings and he barely ever wore ties before. So when a fellow first year Slytherin called him out on his poor tie-tie abilities, Sirius who had loosened his tie too in the meantime, threw his arm around his shoulder and told the roaring Slytherins that "It is cool to wear it like this, but I hadn't expected you stuck-up idiots to understand."  
(And when James told Sirius later in the dorm that:"It isn't cool, it is me being shite in tying" and Sirius responded with a grin that:"They don't need to know that and it's easier to breath like this anyways." then nobody ever knew about it) 

Now as the Marauders left their room and run through the corridors James and Sirius were definitely considered cool. 

The four friends came to an abrupt halt in front of the Transfiguration classroom and just as Mcgonagall was about to close the door. 

"Lovely morning, Minnie, isn't it?" Sirius said, grinning charmingly. 

"Your hair looks dashing as always." James said, mirrowing Sirius's charming smile and throwing a hand over the other boys shoulder. 

Mcgonagall's features softened momentarily when she heard Sirius's playful remark and saw an honest smile, but she quickly regained her strict composure. 

"Professor Mcgonagall for you and if you want hair care tips ask me after the lesson's finished Mr Potter." she said sternly, "now, if you would take your seats." 

"Sure, Minnie." Sirius and James replied in unison and as hard as she tried Mcgonagall couldn't help the smile that crept on her face, when she turned to stalk to the front of the class. She would never admit it, but those boys had a special place in her heart. 

In the lesson, in which the students were instructed to practice human transfiguration, it wasn't much of a surprise that Sirius and James managed it the fastest. A few fits of laughter, a gigantic ear and a Dumbledore-like beard later, the two black haired boys went to instruct other students. If their "help" was of much use Mcgonagall didn't know, but the students looked like they had far more fun than with her instructing them, so she let them. 

Once the bell rang and the students, all in a cheery mood, left her classroom, Mcgonagall spoke:"Mr Black would you stay here a moment?" Even though it was placed as a question, there was no space for a refusal. 

The Marauders looked at each other, trying to figure out if they'd done something and wondering why Mcgonagall was asking Sirius to stay behind. 

When it looked like the other Marauders weren't going to leave one of their own behind and were planning on staying, Mcgonagall spoke up again, fixing them with a stern glance:"Only Mr Black." 

When James opened his mouth to say something, Mcgonagall interrupted him, before he had the chance to say anything:"He isn't in trouble, so if you would leave now, please."

Once the other Marauders had left somewhat reluctantly, Mcgonagall turned to Sirius, who looked at her questioningly:"Mr. Black, take a seat." 

When they were both seated and after Mcgonagall had offered Sirius biscuits, which he gladly accepted as he didn't have breakfast, she started to talk:"I wanted to talk to you ever since this term started, but as you weren't present the past days, I didn't have the chance." 

As Mcgonagall looked over her spectacles, Sirius had the decency to look slightly guilty. 

"Mr. Black I noticed that you were... distant, ever since this term started. Is there something on your mind? If you decide to tell me what is bothering you, I'd do my best to help."

Sirius looked anywhere but at Mcgonagall, of course there was something bothering him, but he didn't really feel like talking. Since the previous evening he managed to not think about any of it. He knew that running from his problems wasn't the right solution, but it felt good to act like nothing happened, to be normal again for once. But to get over this, the actual cause of his distress had to end first. He really dreaded that his parents might want him 'home' for Christmas holiday, well, more like order him to be there, he was sure that they would literally drag him home from Hogwarts.

At that thought he shuddered, but maybe he could stay at James', he doubted that his parents could take him away from there. 

Mcgonagall must have caught his shudder and must have read his silence right, because she continued:" You can talk about anything to me, no matter if it is of importance or not, if you ever need someone to listen or need advice, even if you only want a calm place to stay, you are always welcome to come to me." 

Sirius looked at his stern teacher somewhat surprised, but then he smiled : "Thank you, Professor."

Mcgonagall gave him a little smile in return. "You are always welcome", she answered, while at the same time repeating her previous words. 

Her expression turned stern again, when she continued:"I won't give you detention for the lessons you skipped, but should it happen again, I will have no choice but give you detention, do you understand?" 

"Yes, Professor." Sirius replied readily giving her a mock salute.  
After he stood and had made it half way to the door, he turned around once more. "I'm getting better." he added sincerely as an afterthought and for the first time in forever he really believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many POVs in this chapter!!  
> And a lot happens, kind of... but some of it will have importance for the storyline, well anyways, this chapter got longer than I thought it would, but that means that I already have written a lot of the next chapter and that it will be up soon!  
> Sorry for updating so late again, but it's Christmas time, the most beautiful time of the year, I had a lot to do and I had birthday two days ago, so a lot happened.  
> I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas time (as good as it can be in such times of distance, but your always only as distant to each other as your heart is)  
> Lots of love  
> Aria
> 
> Title from 'Someday I'll be Saturday night' by Bon Jovi


	10. We have just one world but we live in different ones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone, lots of love, joy, health and fun! <3  
> Enjoy the holiday!  
> Here my little Christmas present for you<3  
> (even though it is a bit dark and Snape is a meanie)

As soon as Sirius left the classroom, the Marauders made sure that he was indeed in no trouble. A little while after their next lesson started. 

In the next few hours they learned about tickling charms in Charms, tried Patronus spells in double DADA and were allowed to pet a unicorn in Care of Magical Creatures. 

Finally they went to lunch, talking and laughing with each other, while James made sure that everyone would eat enough, as Remus wasn't well because of his furry little problem or 'time of the month' and Sirius simply wouldn't remember to eat enough when no one reminded him to do so. 

The four Marauders finally separated after lunch, Sirius and James having Ancient Runes, while Peter and Remus attended Alchemy. 

As soon as they were alone, James bombarded him with questions about what Mcgonagall had wanted. 

"Calm down, she just wanted to talk, nothing happened." Sirius reassured him and smiled for good measures. 

James ran a hand through his hair, a gesture that he used when he was nervous and spoke: "And did you? Talk, I mean?" 

As Sirius stared pointedly at him, he hurried to continue:" If someone, anyone, knew, I just think it would make it better...well, maybe not better, but less bad... Wait, what-" 

"Lily knows." Sirius answered calmy. 

In that moment Lily appeared besides them, causing the boys to jump, and, throwing an arm around Sirius shoulder, asked:"What about me?" 

"Just talking about how wonderful your potion was." Sirius replied grinning, happy that he had a chance to drop the former topic. 

"It worked?" Lily beamed. 

"Yep, haven't slept that well in years." Sirius confirmed, smiling at Lily's excitement. 

Just as Lily was going to say something, she was interrupted by James, who still went on Sirius's other side. 

"Alright, Evans?" he asked, while running a hand through his, already messy hair. 

"Potter." Lily acknowledged him in an annoyed voice. 

Gaining his usual confidence, he grinned at her:"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, angel?"

"You know how fallen angels are called?" Lily asked in return, "devils." she deadpanned. 

Sirius just shook his head fondly at how idiotic James acted in Lily's presence and smiled slightly as he heard his friends begin to bicker. 

Just then he was shoved against the wall. In front of him stood a fuming Severus Snape. 

"Stay away from Lily, Black! I won't let you or Potter take her away from me, she is MY friend." Snape sneered. 

Sirius blinked at him in disbelief and slight anger he felt in the stead of the red haired Gryffindor. 

"You don't own her, Snape and neither does James or do I, she isn't some possession to be owned, she's a human in case you didn't notice. And I very much doubt that Lily needs your permission to be friends with anyone.  
In case she wouldn't want me to be near her, she would tell me herself and if that would be what she wanted, I'd respect that, but I don't take orders from you."

"Got back your tongue I see, last time we talked you weren't so eloquent." Snape noted, a malevolent smile stretching over his face, "good thing Christmas holiday is coming soon, then mummy and daddy can show you your place again." 

Sirius grit his teeth, trying hard to not hex Snape into the next week. Because all he felt right now was anger, anger that Snape used this so cruelly against him, anger that this all happened in the first place, anger at his parents for being the way they were, but especially anger at himself for letting them, for the fear that welled up in him at Snape's words, anger that Snape saw the shudder of fear. 

He decided it was best to walk away, before he lost his temper. 

"Sod off." he mumbled, while turning to leave Snape behind. 

He heard Snape snicker maliciously behind him and then Snape's voice:"Running to your daddy to tell him someone was mean to you, aren't you? Or just running to him to-"

Before Snape could finish his sentence, Sirius had hit him with a silencing charm, but he didn't have to hear it to know what he was about to say. To Sirius chagrin he felt tears of anger and humiliation (and hurt, even though he would ignore that) well up, he quickly blinked them away. 

His second attempt at leaving was interrupted by the squicky shout of "Detention Black!" 

Sirius flinched involuntarily at the sudden loud noise, cursing his family for making him so jumpy. He knew without turning around that a flushed little Professor Flitwick would stand there, he must have seen Sirius hex Snape. 

Sirius sighed and watched as Snape walked away with one last sneer in his direction. 

"Tonight at seven you will serve your detention with Mr Filch, this behaviour will not be tolerated." Flitwick informed him, "now, go back to class." 

The little man scurried away, leaving Sirius with a sinking feeling in his stomach. It was not caused by the detention he just gotten, he couldn't care less, it was because of what caused that detention. 

It is often that the cause of an action is worse than the consequence is. And if the cause is unknown the action shouldn't be judged. Maybe the teachers of this school should give more weight to the cause then the action itself, maybe they would see that the Marauders didn't just hex the Slytherins for fun, maybe they would see that they never offended always difende, either themselves or others. A little second year Hufflepuff that cried while Slytherins threw curse after curse at her, the cause, was much worse than a week of detention, which would be the consequence if they were to take action and hex the Slytherins.  
When the cause outweights the consequences the action is made. 

Right now if Sirius pale face and shaking hands were anything to go by the cause was far worse. All he wanted was to just not think about it, to not remember how it hurt, how it made him feel so pathetic, worthless. Like a toy that once the owner had enough of playing would just be left lying on the floor, until the owner was bored, then the toy would be good enough again. A toy was used until broken, then it would be discarded. 

With Sirius it was only a matter of time until he was broken and maybe he was never whole to begin with. 

When Sirius finally joined Lily and James, who hadn't murdered each other yet (more like Lily hadn't murdered James and James didn't get himself slaughtered) , in the classroom, they started to speak to him about this and that, but even though he heard what they were saying, he didn't understand a thing. 

The rest of the lessons passed by in a blur and even though Sirius was speaking to his friends, he didn't TALK to them, sometimes he just felt like he didn't live, he existed, sure, but it wasn't the same as living. 

The following hours of detention on the other hand made him feel very much alive, not because they cheered him up, but because Filch and dirty toilets that needed to be cleaned, made him fear for his live. 

It was already dark outside when he finished his detention, but then again it was also dark when he started detention, as it was December already. 

Sirius strolled through the dark corridors of the castle, eyes fixed on the ground in order to not trip over anything, even though it was unlikely that he would even with his eyes drawn up. The Marauders knew the castle like the back of their hands after all. 

Just as he passed the Great Hall and wanted to climb stairs, he heard the sound of footsteps following him. Sirius stopped dead in his trecks and turned to find out who it was, that was there. 

The full moon that shone through the window illuminated a pale figure. 

Sirius glared at the greasy haired boy in front of him, fighting down the fear of what he would say or of might happen. 

"What do you want, Snape?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of love  
> Aria<3
> 
> Title from 'Brothers in arms' by Dire Straits


	11. I blame this world for making a good man evil

_The full moon that shone through the window illuminated a pale figure._

_Sirius glared at the greasy haired boy in front of him, fighting down the fear of what he would say or of might happen._

_"What do you want, Snape?"_

"I was just wondering why you're all alone...", Snape answered feigning innocence, "Have your friends finally realised what a pathetic waste of space you are?"

Sirius glared at him, turning to walk away, but Snape was fast to grab his arm. Sirius's involuntary flinch drew a chuckle from Snape.

"It's rude to leave in the middle of a conversation, but I haven't expected you to have manners." Snape commented, while Sirius, still scowling defiantly, desperately tried to not let Snape's words get to him.

"As I was just saying, did your so called friends finally realise that your not worth their time or... do they just have better things to do?" Snape continued his monologue. 

Sirius, in no mood for Snape, asked in an apprehensive voice: "What are you playing at?" 

"Oh, you know, just wondering where you leave Lupin every full moon, the dorm wouldn't do for a werewolf, would it?" 

Sirius laughed at that, but even to his own ears his laugh sounded a little histerical. "Out of all of the students of this school you decided that Remus is a werewolf?!" 

"Don't bother trying to deny it, Black", Snape scoffed, "I don't suspect he is a werewolf, I _know_ he is." 

Sirius tried to keep his expression neutral, as he was aware of Snape looking for a hint of an emotion that would give him away. 

Noticing that Sirius wouldn't react, Snape decided to continue talking: "I think the whole school should know, they have a right to know that a monster is living in their middle, don't you think?" 

"You wouldn't dare..." Sirius said out of reflex more than anything else, while taking a step towards Snape. 

"I wouldn't dare? Lupin is a real threat for all the students, he could kill them or turn them, I'm positive that all the parents would be more than grateful if I told." 

Sirius started to panic a little, he couldn't let Snape reveal Remus's secret. His mind was working full power, searching for a solution, for a way out, but it looked like a dead end street. 

"But you know what would be even more fun?" Snape voice tore Sirius from his thoughts. "It would be even more fun to tell the whole school that the great Sirius Black is in fact a pathetic, weak fool that let's himself being cursed, beaten and raped by his own parents!" 

Sirius flinched violently at the _r-word_ , he knew what it was called that his father did to him. Of course, he knew, but never once did he use that word to describe it, he didn't even think it. It made everything so much more real, that Sirius felt like breaking down right then and there. 

Snape just pointed out what a nasty voice at the back of his mind was always suggesting. He let them treat him like that, most of the time he didn't even try to fight back anymore. He _let_ them, let _him_. 

He felt himself panic more. The school just couldn't know about this, they couldn't, but how much was he ready to give up in order to keep his secret? 

Sirius felt trapped. He hated the feeling of being trapped. The feeling that he had no choice. And he hated that that feeling was so familiar, it was how he always felt back there, back at the place that he was forced to call home. 

"Don't think I would hesitate for a second to tell either of your secrets. Then the only thing you could do, would be to run to daddy so he can kiss it better and if you're lucky something more." Snape mocked. 

At that words anger and shame were added to the panic and he tried hard to control the urge to hex Snape, who just gave him a calculating look, all the while wearing a smug smile. 

"Of course you could just tell me where Lupin transforms." Snape offered. "Then I would think over this secret-telling business again." 

Sirius tried frantically to come up with a way to get out of this. If he could only make sure Snape wouldn't be able to tell and-

 _Of course,_ he thought, _Dumbledore, he would make sure that Snape wouldn't tell._

Sirius only needed to get Dumbledore involved somehow. 

In his panicked and angered mind the best answer he could come up with, was tell Snape what he wanted to know. It was a sure way to get Dumbledore to them, even if it was the middle of the night and to prevent Snape from going away.

Even if he would tell Snape, what he wanted to know, even if Snape thought he was always two steps ahead of him, he really wasn't. Sirius wasn't playing by Snape's rules, he didn't even play the same game as Snape. Because while Snape's game was always a competition, Sirius played with others not against them. If he'd play against others there was a chance he would loose, there was always someone bound to loose. Sirius didn't want anyone to loose anything tonight. 

"You really want to know? There's a knot you have to touch in order for the Whomping Willow to stop moving. You'll find that there's a tunnel hidden by its branches." 

Snape stared at him for a while, surely contemplating whether he could trust Sirius's word or not. 

After a minute of pregnant silence, Snape seemed to have come to a decision, as he strode past Sirius. Just as Sirius turned to follow him, so he could keep Snape safe should he go to far, he heard Snape mutter 'immobili pedes' and he found that he couldn't move his feet. 

As Sirius watched Snape leave the castle, panic began to rise in him again. What had he done?! 

He never should have expected Snape to play his game, Snape excluded Sirius, because Snape's game was a competition. 

It all seemed perfectly clear and logical just a few minutes ago, but his recklessness and fear made him fail to see the obvious flaws his plan had. But fear makes blind, it makes dangerous, fear makes selfish, fear is the logic's worst enemy. 

And suddenly Sirius realised that he has become the bad guy in this story and maybe he was the bad one all along. Maybe he just didn't get the story until now. Because now the supposedly bad one turned victim and the supposedly good one turned perpetrator. 

He tried! He tried so hard to be the good one, the hero, the knight in shining armor, the Dr. Jackyl to Snape's Hyde and still he was here and Snape not. 

Maybe it was the intentions that counted, because he had only good intentions and him, he had bad intentions, he _knew_ that Snape had bad intentions, but in the end it are the deeds that count. 

Good and bad were such relative things anyways, they were different for everyone and maybe they were all the same. Words were defined by their opposites, there can't be 'good' when there isn't 'bad', only together they are whole, 'good' needed 'bad' to exist in the first place, as much as the stars needed darkness to shine. Sirius had a lot of darkness surrounding him, maybe that was why everyone thought he shone so bright. Only because people know the light they're devasteted when they're in the dark. 

Sirius was in the dark and tried desperately to find light, he needed some light to bring them all through the night. He knew only a few seconds had past since Snape has left the castle, but he already began to see his torn corpse, he was hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

The moment when Sirius could form a coherent thought in his mind, it was the thought of James. Ever since he knew the other boy, James was his light, his lighthouse that guided him home, his sun when he was cold, his source of fire, when his own had gone out. 

As quickly as humanly possible, he reached for his two-way mirror and called for James, praying that he would hear him. 

After only a few seconds, he saw the face he was even more familiar with than his own, James smiled brightly at him. 

"Hey Sirius, everything alright-" 

"James this is important - Snape- I told - Remus - he knows how to get to him." Sirius rambled, eyes wide and panicked. 

"Slow down, I can't under-" 

"James" Sirius said urgently, "you have to stop Snape, he knows how to get past the willow, please."

This time James eyes only widened, all the colour draining from his face, in the next moment Sirius looked into his own sickly pale face, James was gone. 

All Sirius could do now was wait and hope that James would be fast enough, that James would make the things that he messed up right. He didn't even want to think what would happen, if Snape would get to Remus before James. 

How could he ever have risked to kill people? Sure, he didn't know that Snape would curse him to be stuck here, but even if he didn't want Snape to ever get near the Shrieking Shack, he shouldn't have told in the first place, he should have come up with something else, anything else. 

What did it say about him that this was the first and best solution he could think of? Maybe the Black in him had finally come through. 'Evil' was in his blood, written in his DNA, even though all his life he tried to fight it, fight his parents, just fight, maybe he wasn't able to surpress it anymore. Maybe it was always there like a snake, just waiting for the perfect moment to strike. 

But no, he wasn't evil when he didn't mean to harm anyone, right? He had a good reason, too, he wanted to keep their secrets save. His parents and relatives hurt people because they wanted to, because they relished in causing others pain. 

Sirius really didn't know what to think anymore, but it didn't matter what he thought, he lost his self-respect and self-worth a while ago. What really mattered to him is what his friends thought and unfortunately he had a good idea what they would think, but he was sure that they would at least understand why he did it, when they let him explain, when he would tell them everything. They had the right to know what happened to him to drive him to such a decision, it wasn't an excuse, but maybe... 

Just in that moment he heard the massive door slam open and saw James and Snape stumble through it. He blew out a relieved breath he didn't even notice he was holding. They were both alive, that was more than he ever could have asked for. 

But that relief vanished quickly as James glared at him, never in his five years of knowing James had he ever seen such a frightening expression on the other's face. 

James grabbed him roughly by the arm, making Sirius flinch and led him to the stairs, never loosening his bruising grip. 

Sirius vaguely saw Snape following them, he wanted to know where they were going, but he was afraid to ask. He was afraid of James, the one person he always felt the safest with, the one he turned to, when everything else got to much, but now he just wished he could get away from him. It felt more like it was his father's or mother's hand gripping him and that scared him more than anything else. 

When the three of them stopped he recognised the door in front of them as the one of the headmaster's office and even though that was what he wanted in the first place, he felt frightened now that they were here. What would his punishment be, what if he got expelled, what would his parents do to him? 

After Dumbledore let them in, asked them to take a seat and offered them tea, James and Snape both started to recount what happened that night. Sirius didn't really listen, he didn't even bother to correct Snape, when he said that he 'didn't even suspect that quiet, smart Lupin could ever be a werewolf'. Of course Snape didn't mention the blackmail either, but Sirius couldn't bring himself to care. He felt himself grow distant and only vaguely registered that Dumbledore had dismissed James. 

"Have you anything to add, Mr Black?" Dumbledore's voice brought him back to reality. 

He looked up into the twinkle-less and very disappointed eyes of his headmaster. 

"No, sir." he said in a small voice. 

"Very well." he turned to Snape. "Mr Snape, I have to ask you to swear on your magic that you won't reveal the secret to anyone." 

"The secrets." Sirius said, his voice barely over a whisper. "Please, the secrets." 

Dumbledore's gaze was so piercing that he was sure the old wizard could see right into his very soul. 

When Dumbledore turned back to Snape, he readily corrected himself. "The secrets, now if you would make the vow please, Mr Snape." 

Sirius was immensely relieved when Snape took the vow, then the Slytherin was dismissed, too and with a glare in Sirius's direction, he left. 

Now Dumbledore's whole attention was on Sirius. "Mr Black, this is your chance to explain yourself and your motives to me, please take it." 

"There is no excuse for what I've done." Sirius wasn't ready to tell Dumbledore of all people the secret that he had done all this for in the first place. 

"Is there something else you'd like to tell? Is there something bothering you?" 

Sirius looked at his hands that were folded in his lap, he wanted to scream and shout, to tell everything, he was sick of secrets, but it was like he was drowning. No matter how loud he screamed, the words never made it to the surface. All he said was a small 'no' in the end. 

"I see." 

Sirius felt himself shrink under Dumbledore's gaze. "You have to understand that I can not let such behaviour unpunished, Mr Black." 

Sirius only nodded like a criminal at his trial, waiting until others decided over his fate. 

"I will meet with the Head of your House to discuss what punishment is adequate, as soon as we decide, I will let you know." 

Sirius nodded in acknowledgement, still not looking up from his hands. He felt Dumbledore's eyes on him, as if the old man waited for him to say something. 

After a few moments of silence Dumbledore spoke up again. "You can go now, Mr Black." 

Sirius hurried out of the office, he couldn't stand the disappointed look of his headmaster. But as soon as he was out, he found that he had nowhere to go. Hesitantly he walked back to the Gryffindor tower and gave the password (nox fatalis) to a disgruntled Fat Lady. 

Once he reached the dorm, he took a deep breath and stepped in. In the dorm Peter was lying on his bed, a sad look on his face and James was pacing from one end of the room to the other. As soon as James noticed him, he stopped. 

"How could you?! How could you do that to Remus?! Do you realise you nearly killed two people tonight, one of which is supposed to be one of your best friends?!" 

"James.." 

"But you don't care, do you? You never care what consequences your actions have for others. If you weren't so selfish, you would see that we wanted to help you, that we too couldn't sleep at night, worrying about where you were." James was shouting now, he sounded angrier than Sirius had ever heard him. "But of course you didn't know, in your mind it's always about you! You're drowning in self pity, but don't realise that others have it hard, too!"

Sirius, out of reflex, made himself as small as humanly possible and when James raised his hand during his outburst, he flinched violently. But James didn't seem to notice or maybe he just didn't care. 

"James, please, let me explain-"

"What is there to explain? There isn't anything you could say that could make this better." James interrupted him. "You are just like the rest of your family, Black, I honestly don't know why I ever thought you could be different." 

With that words James stormed out of the dorm, Peter looked conflicted for a moment, before he followed after him. 

Sirius sunk to the ground and shut his eyes. He had just lost the best thing in his life, the friendship with the other boys was the only thing that kept him from breaking totally under his parents treatment. He would do anything for them, anything to make this right, but some things couldn't be mend. 

Now he was the villain, the evil one and James was the hero, it seemed that he and them weren't on the same side anymore. 

And maybe Sirius had to be the bad one, so they didn't have to be, so they could be the good ones. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, this one was sad.  
> I personally think that Sirius is way to loyal and smart to ever have done something like this as a prank, I tried to make it somehow understandable why he did tell Snape. Well, I hope it is alright.  
> I would really like to hear your thoughts on this chapter, 'the prank' is a really interesting topic, aaaah, I'm kind of excited.  
> Well, anyways, have a lovely day everybody.  
> Lots of love  
> Aria
> 
> P.s. Nox fatalis is Latin and means 'fateful night'
> 
> Title from 'Santa fe' by Bon Jovi


	12. Everyone I know goes away in the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all the kudos, comments and for simply reading, everyone's so lovely here, thank you for you're kindness, it means sooo much<3

By the time the dark night sky was replaced by the reddish shimmer of the dawn, Sirius was still alone in the dorm. 

Peter and James never returned, they were propably in the hospital wing looking after Remus. 

Sirius wanted to be there too, kind of, but he was scared. Scared of seeing his friends, scared of facing their anger and scared of loosing them. However, Sirius didn't get so far in life being a coward, he was brave enough to face them. But he didn't know if Remus wanted him there and the least he could do was giving him a bit of space after what he'd done. 

He stood up from the floor, stretching and making a face when he felt his joints cracking, as a result from his uncomfortable position on the floor. 

Sirius went over to the window that offered a wonderful view over the quidditch pitch. He threw a glare at the sun that had the audacity to shine happily in its sky of endless blue, ignorant of the events of the previous night. He wondered how the sun could shine on a day such as this, how could the world keep turning, how could life just go on? 

Maybe the world was just so big that one person, one life didn't matter. It just wasn't important in the big picture of the world, because it was so big that a single soul got lost in it. Sometimes the world seemed so big that it almost scared him, but sometimes he was scared that the world was too small, too small for his dreams. 

Or maybe he just dreamed too big, he dreamed of a family that loved him, he longed for somebody that cared about him. But he learned a long time ago that not all dreams came true and he learned that some dreams turned into nightmares instead. 

But five years ago he discovered that some dreams did come true, five years ago he found his friends or 'his furry muses' as he used to call them. 

He had lost them. Never since he had first come to know them did he even consider that anything could ever tear them apart. The other boys and he had such a strong bond, especially James and he were closer than brothers and yet he tore that bond. He'd lost them. 

He blinked hard when that realisation hit him like a bludger to the head. Sirius tried desperately to come up with a way to make this better. He figured that first and foremost he would try to talk to them, he just had to tell them everything, even if they wouldn't forgive him, he owed them the truth. 

He should have told them all along, then none of this would have happened, Snape wouldn't have gotten to him like that, he wouldn't have gotten into detention yesterday, he wouldn't have met Snape in the corridor...

He knew it wouldn't do any good to dwell on the 'what if's'. There are thousands of worlds, of alternate realities that people create every day, some even live in them, but at the end of the day it's only this one world we have. Because we're alone in the one that we create and what are we without anyone left? 

Sirius breathed hard and tried to not let his self-hatred consume him once again. 

A quick look at the clock told him that breakfast would be served by now. His gaze drifted to his shaking hands. 

The other Marauders would be down there by now, unless Remus was injured more badly than normal. 

_Merlin, please let him be okay_ , Sirius pleaded silently. 

He gathered his courage and walked to the door with a slight tremble, pleading that Remus was okay like a mantra. 

Once he reached the common room a brightly smiling Lily Evans greeted him. 

"Hey, slept well?" 

If the way she was eyeing the unusual, extreme paleness of his already porcelain skin, she already knew the answer to that one. 

Sirius turned to her with wide eyes: "Why didn't I tell them?" 

As the two friends made their way to the Great Hall, Lily gave him a sad smile. "Some things we are only able to tell people who we know will understand." 

"Maybe that's why we talk so little about things that really matter." Sirius murmured. 

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Lily supplied. 

He shot her a confused look, that made Lily chuckle lightly. 

"Martin Luther King. He was a great man, I like listening to his speeches, he spoke about racism. It is so impressive how we can't appreciate what we have," Lily fell silent for a moment, but Sirius knew that she was thinking about the discrimination against muggleborns, against her," well, until it's gone."

"Yeah, until it's gone." Sirius agreed with a pained look, clearly not talking about the racism or discrimination anymore. 

Lily looked him over with a searching look in her eyes, but Sirius couldn't bring himself to meet her gaze. 

"Lily, I messed up really badly," he held up his hand to silence her as she opened her mouth to talk, "you can't help me, if that's what you wanted to ask and even if I wouldn't be deserving it. I can't tell you what I've done, but if you knew I'm sure you wouldn't want to be around me anymore."

Lily scoffed. "We're friends, only because you make a mistake, that doesn't mean we aren't anymore. That's not how it works." 

"Lily, you don't understand", Sirius said tiredly and clearly stressed. 

"Then make me understand." Lily replied softly, trying to catch Sirius's gaze. 

"I can't, but just... I did something unforgivable..." Sirius trailed of as they reached the Great Hall, and saw his former best friends sitting there. 

With his gaze fixed on the three Marauders, he gathered up his Gryffindor courage and hesitantly walked over to them. 

"I'm so sorry, I-" was all that Sirius managed to say, before he was interrupted. 

While Peter looked unsure and settled for avoiding everyone's eyes and Remus, who was sporting new scars, just ignored him after having thrown a disgusted look, that clearly was meant to hide his hurt, his way, James wasn't going for the silent treatment. 

"You don't have the right to speak to any of us, Black. So get the hell away, before I make you." he hissed. 

Even though Sirius expected rejection, he was surprised at the harsh words from his best mate, no, he corrected himself, not anymore. As he looked to the other two boys and there wasn't even the slightest hint of doubt or second-guessing in the other's eyes. 

James shot him a nasty glare. "Are you deaf or something?" 

Sirius felt his hands begin to shake, he needed to get out of here. He was used to being talked like this, to being belittled by his parents, but he never imagined it to be by his friends. 

He left the hall as fast as he could without running. Once he left the Great Hall behind his whole body trembled and he was on the verge of crying. The people that always convinced him that his parents weren't right, that he wasn't pathetic, weak, just bad news, they now thought so, too. 

Shortly before reaching the dorm, a voice called him. 

"Mr Black, would you come with me please, Professor Dumbledore and I have decided what you're punishment should be." 

He looked into the stern eyes of Mcgonagall, the usual kind undertone of her gaze was replaced by disappointment. She didn't seem to have caught his slight shiver at the word punishment that braught dark memories to the boy or if she had, she kindly ignored it. 

Sirius mumbled a "yes" and hung his head, while following the dark haired witch to the headmaster's office. 

Once they all were seated, the deputy headmistress began speaking. "Mr Black, I hope you're aware that what you did yesterday was inacceptable," she looked at an ashamed Sirius over her spectacles, "We decided that you'll be excluded from the quidditch team and that you will serve detention for the rest of this term and the first few weeks of the second term. In addition we will write a letter to your parents-" 

Sirius had shot up from his hung position, eyes wide. 

"No, please, anything, but that." he pleaded desperately. 

Mcgonagall frowned at that. "Mr Black, we have to write a letter to your parents, I don't think that there's a way around it." 

"Is there something you want to tell us, Mr Black?" Dumbledore asked once again. "If you could give us a reason, maybe we wouldn't have to." 

Sirius looked down at his lap and didn't say anything. He felt a tear drop from his eye and run down his cheek. 

"No nothing", he whispered, "may I go now?" 

There was a moment of silence in which he was sure the two Professors were trying to figure him out, then: 

"Yes, you are free to go now, detention starts tomorrow." 

Sirius all but ran up to the dorm, tears now running freely, dampening his face. He opened the door, planning of skipping classes and crying his eyes out over the loss of his friends, over James's words, over the disappointment in his teacher's eyes, over the fear of what his parents would do. 

When he opened the 5th year's dorm door, he was faced with a furious James. 

As soon as he saw Sirius, he bolted over to him and shoved him hard against the wall. Sirius felt the air being pressed out of his lungs, as he gasped. His head hit the wall the hardest and he felt blood dribble out, as James glared at him. Sirius felt himself starting to shake violently once again, his eyes were impossibly wide and full of fear. His mind supplied enough flashbacks to more than justify his fear. 

"Yesterday you showed that you were one of the worst kind, but I never expected that. You are such a complete arsehole, how could I ever be so wrong about you. You're parents were right about you." James laughed humorlessly. 

"What?" Sirius whispered, pushing past his fear to voice his confusion. 

"Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, you're a pathetic, treacherous bastard. I hate you!" 

With that James stormed out of the dorm, leaving Sirius stare after him in confusion and hurt. 

His world was crumbling for some time now, but everything that was holding the pieces together was definitely gone for good now, his whole world was falling apart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did James mean? We don't know, well I do, but you don't or maybe you do, don't know how good you are at being Sherlock:)  
> Anyways thank you for your patience and for still coming back to read this and comment etc. You're all wonderful.  
> Also a thing that I noticed my German teacher looks 1:1 like a female James Potter (she's like the best teacher ever and our headmistress) and my Italian teacher looks like a female Peter Pettigrew (I don't like her, like, at all, so that kind of fits)  
> That being said, have a lovely day, morning, evening, night, wherever you are on this planet.  
> Lots of hugs and kisses  
> Aria
> 
> Title from 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash (originally from Nine Inch Nails) (again lol)


	13. And you've already gone away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, I didn't proof read yet <3  
> TW: swearing, suicidal thought (for like, two sentences)

Lily followed Sirius into the great hall, wondering what he meant, when he said he "did something unforgivable".

She was abruptly torn from her thoughts, when she heard James utter the words: "You don't have the right to speak to any of us, Black. So get the hell away, before I make you." followed by: "Are you deaf or something?"

Lily was rendered absolutely speechless, she never really had much respect for James Potter, but she always acknowledged the way he cared about and for his friends, the way he always had their backs no matter what, especially in regards to Sirius. That he talked to his supposedly best friend like this just shocked her.

She watched the broken look in Sirius eyes sprinkled with hurt, while he left the room with his head hung low and felt her own heart break a little.

In her opinion Sirius was the last person that deserved such treatment, especially now that he was going through such a hard time.

Lily felt the shock turn to all consuming anger, as she slowly turned to face the group of three again. Potter crossed a line now, he was always going around bullying Slytherins, but now he was such an arsehole to his best friend..., that was it for Lily.

"Who do you think you are?!" Lily all but screamed, "what kind of friend are you?! Don't you see he's hurting? Don't you see he's already broken without you giving him shit, too?"

Lily's face was redder than her hair by now and they definitely attracted the attention of most people of the Great Hall.

"I always knew you were an idiot, but I didn't know you could sink this low.", she spat, "I despise you, James Potter."

James looked at her completely taken aback. After a few moments of helpless gaping, something like realisation seemed to be dawning on him and he regained his ability to speek.

"You and Sirius... I never thought he..." he stuttered.

Lily just glared at him confusedly, when he, too, ran out of the Great Hall. She then turned to the two boys out of the four Marauders left.

"And you? Why didn't you intervene? Don't you think he's been trough enough already?" she hissed venomously.

Peter looked really unsure and kind of scared under her glare, Remus, too, cringed slightly when she addressed them.

"Look Lily, you don't know what happened, he deserved it." Even as Remus said the words, he didn't look 100% sure of himself, but quickly schooled his features.

"He deserved it? He fucking deserved it?!" Lily hissed, "do you even listen to yourself? Your supposed to be his friends, especially now he's needing you and you're treating him like dirt?! Your disgusting."

With that words she was the third Gryffindor that day, that stormed out of the Great Hall, leaving it in stunned silence. The eyes of every student in the room were following the drama that just happened at the Gryffindor table, now that it was over they all started to whisper quietly to each other, pointing at a very uncomfortable looking Remus and Peter.

Meanwhile Lily made her way to the Gryffindor Tower. When she arrived there, she was panting due to her running, and gasped 'frater fraudolentus'. At that the Fat Lady swung open.

The first thing Lily noticed, when she entered the red and gold common room, was a furious James Potter storming down the stairs. With a glare she pushed past him and climbed the stairs the other boy just descended.

She felt Potter stop to stare at her, but she really couldn't care less. Her priority right now was to find Sirius. As she opened the fifth year Gryffindor boys dorm and didn't see anyone at first sight, she already went through all the places she would search for him in her head.

Just as she was about to leave, she noticed the shaking form of her friend leaning against the wall.

"Siri!" Lily exclaimed, she quickly knelt down by his side and wrapped her arms around his thin body.  
"What happened- Is that blood?!"

She looked from his blood-soaked hair to his teary eyes.

"I swear if this was Potter I'm going to kill-"

"You don't understand", Sirius choked out, "I deserved it."

"Sirius, you _didn't_ deserve this, you didn't deserve anything your friends," she stressed the word friends, "did to you."

She searched his gaze and when he wouldn't look at her, she gently placed her hand on his cheek and turned him to face her.

"Listen, Sirius, you didn't deserve all the things your life has challenged you with. It's not fair, it's always the kindest people that go through the most pain, but despite everything that happened to you, you are such a brave, loving, caring, strong, wonderful, incredible person. You deserve to be safe, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be carefree, you deserve to have a youth, you deserved to have a childhood, you deserve to be _loved_. You deserve so much more than this world could ever give you."

During Lily's speech Sirius just shook his head vigorously. What she said couldn't be right, his whole family always told him how pathetic and worthless he was, even his friends thought so now. Sirius was sure that she just didn't know him well enough to see how useless he was.

"No, Lily, I don't! I don't deserve any of this and I don't deserve you." Sirius told her.

"Siri, stop t-"

"Yesterday I nearly made Remus kill Snape." Sirius blurted out.

At that Lily let go of him as if she'd been burnt. It was as if her mind was been swiped blank, every thought was gone from her mind. She prayed to a God she just partly believed in, that he didn't say what she thought he did. This kind, bright, brave boy in front of her couldn't possibly done such a thing... could he?

"You did what?!"

"I told you, you wouldn't want to be around me, once you knew. You can yell at me hurt me, ignore me, whatever you like, you have every right to hurt me, I deserve it."

The defeated look on Sirius face, was enough to snap Lily out of her shock.

"Hold on, I don't hate you, I don't even know what happened yet."

"You don't hate me?" Sirius asked with a voice full of uncertainty and vulnerability, but with such hopefulness, that it made Lily's heart ache.

She took a deep breath, she would give him a chance, because, frankly, she loved him too much to just give up on him.

"Please tell me you have a good explanation." she pleaded.

"He blackmailed me and I... I-I can't tell you, it- I would like to, but-" Sirius stuttered.

After a steadiyng breath, Lily spoke again: "Did you plan to do it?"

"N-no, of course not."

"Did somebody get hurt or died?"

"Not really, if bruised egos don't count..."

"Is someone in any kind of danger now or could there be any damage in the aftermath?"

"No", Sirius replied, even as he thought of the consequences there were for him.

"Are you sorry?" Lily asked lastly and searched his eyes for any trace of dishonesty.

"Yes. I never wanted that to happen, I thought it was the only way out, I was scared, I -"

As tears started to gather in Sirius eyes again, Lily hugged him tightly.

"It's okay, it's okay, I believe you", Lily whispered those words into Sirius dark locks over and over again.

They sat like that for a long time, until Lily broke the silence.

"Why didn't you explain everything to them?"

"They wouldn't let me", Sirius whispered, "not like I can blame them."

"They didn't even let you explain?!" she exclaimed.

"No, but-"

"And after everything they've done to you, you still defend them? I mean, they have the right to be angry, but Potter _hurt_ you!"

"You still defend Snape, despite of everything _he_ does." Sirius answered.

At that Lily fell silent and they both pursued their own thoughts.

"I'm scared", Sirius said suddenly.

"Why?" Lily asked absentmindedly.

"In two days I have to go home for the holiday and I-my father-I'm just scared."

Lily snapped her head to face him, eyes as wide as saucers.

"You're going back there?!"

"I have to... Just before you came, I got a letter."

Sirius picked the neglected piece of paper that lay on the ground on his right up and handed it to Lily.

**_You are expected to come home for Christmas, boy. There are some things your mother and I want to talk to you about, it will not be pleasant. We've heard that you only caused trouble at Hogwarts and were overall just your worthless and useless self. I look forward to finally put you to some use, when you come home._ **  
**_Tojours pour_ **  
**_Orion Black_ **

Lily looked from the letter back to Sirius wide-eyed and took his hand in hers.

"You can't go back, please, you just can't."

"I don't have a choice",Sirius mumbled, eyes downcast.

"There _must_ be a choice. He literally wrote that he wants to 'put you to some use'. _Sirius_ ", she stressed, "we both know what he means by that."

Sirius just looked away, trying to take deep breaths, of course he knew what it meant, but there wasn't anything he could do about it.

"I-I'll be okay", he whispered.

"Sirius -"

Just as Lily was about to say her next words, the door flew open. In the doorway stood no one other than James.

"McGonagall sent me to tell the both of you to show up to your lessons, else you'll have to serve detention."

James then looked down to where they sat, his eyes stopping on their intertwined hands.

"This isn't just your dorm, Black, so if you would for once keep your girlfriends out, we would all be very thankful. It won't last long anyway, as we all know you're practically a man whore." he said as he walked out the dorm.

Hearing those words from his best friend hurt more than he cared to admit, especially after everything that happened. Just after he passed the shock of James sudden appearance did he realise the meaning of James's words.

"He thinks that you and I-"

"He thinks that we're- Oh good Godric, Potter is an even bigger idiot than I thought, if he goes on like this, I might really just be plotting his murder", Lily stated with fire in her eyes.

"Lily-"

"Don't 'Lily' me, he just offended you really badly, he _hurt_ you, he was just overall an arse today, that's more Potter being.... Potter than I can deal with in a day." Lily rumbled about James, because no matter how much she said he hated him, there wasn't anyone that could get to Lily like James could, even if it was in a negative way.

She sighed: "But he probably is right, we should go to classes now", she looked down at the letter, "we'll work something out, I won't let you go back to your parents."

Sirius really admired the way she looked like she really believed that she could make a chance, that she could keep him safe from his parents. He asked himself if he would be so full of hope and belief himself, if he grew up anywhere but at Grimmauld place. He really didn't have the heart to crush her confidence and hope, but he knew in his heart that there was nothing she could do to help him.

"You coming?" Lily asked, already halfway out the room.

"Yeah, you go, I'll be down in a minute." he responded.

Lily didn't look like she wanted to leave him here, but in the end she walked out the door and left him alone in the dorm.

Sirius went to the window, watching the Quidditch pitch that he wouldn't be playing on ever again.

He looked at the sky, the countless white clouds, but he didn't really see anything, he was too troubled about the letter his father sent him and he was troubled about his friends.

He had Lily and that was more than he could ever have hoped for, but his best friends hated him. The only person that ever told him he loved him, just told him he hated him and then called him names.

His family and especially father were a whole different matter entirely, he was terrified. He felt like he was going to have a panic attack, he couldn't breathe properly, he just wished he were somewhere else. He wished he was someone else, someone that was worth to be loved, someone that wasn't broken. He wished he would never have to face his father ever again, he wished he could just disappear. As he looked out of the window of the high Gryffindor tower, he imagined what it would feel like if he would jump. Would it be a jump into freedom? Or would he just have to face his next prison cell? Was it brave or cowardly to die?

He was sure it was much easier to leave this world behind and never look back, but it would have been easier to have gone to Slytherin, too, still it wasn't the better thing to do. But then death wasn't a bad thing, was it?

Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Sometimes he just didn't want to exist anymore, that feeling was all too familiar by now, he grew up with it after all, but never before had it felt this intense. It felt like anything was better than going back to let his father do those things to him again.

He just had to cling to the possibility Lily seemed to believe in so strongly, all he could do now was hope.

As he opened his eyes and made his way to the transfiguration classroom, he reminded himself that hope dies last.

Just as he was about to walk the last corridor to the classroom, he stopped dead in his tracks and he felt like his heart stopped alongside his feet. He felt his stomach turn and bile rise in his throat. His whole body began to tremble violently and his eyes went impossibly wide.

Because hope dies last, but everything has to die sometime.

And his hope died right here in the form of the tall, dark figure standing in front of him.

The figure of Orion Black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments, you're wonderful<3
> 
> Title from 'Boys don't cry' by The Cure


	14. But I got so much left unsaid inside of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: child abuse!

* * *

_He felt his stomach turn and bile rise in his throat. His whole body began to tremble violently and his eyes went impossibly wide._

_Because hope dies last, but everything has to die sometime._

_And his hope died right here in the form of the tall, dark figure standing in front of him._

_The figure of Orion Black._

Sirius wanted to ask him what he was doing in Hogwarts, why he was here, intruding into the one place Sirius felt safe from his parents. He wanted to run, he wanted to hide, he wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to ask him why he had to ruin his life, he wanted..... But he didn't.

He wasn't able to move, much less say something, he didn't _dare_ to say anything. It was like the world stopped turning, everything was still and in that moment Sirius knew, that he would remember this moment for the rest of his life. It was always the worst moments that one remembered the clearest.

It was just when his father started walking towards him that he snapped out of his frozen state and stumbled backwards, flinching when his back hit the wall.

He pressed himself against it, as if he were trying to blend in with the wall and shrunk in on himself involuntary, as he watched the source of his nightmares approach with wide eyes. He hoped he didn't look too pathetic, as he really didn't want to show weakness to his father, didn't want to give another reason to be punished for. He tried hard to not let the fear he was feeling show. Apparently he wasn't very successful in doing so, as he saw his father smile slightly at how broken he looked.

Orion Black was a scary man. At first sight he looked like an older version of Sirius, but he was taller and broader than his lithe son. His hair was just as black as Sirius's, but where Sirius's hair curled slightly and fell into his eyes, Orion's hair where strictly combed to the back. Where Sirius grey eyes held warmth and love, Orion's were of a cold grey, like stone, mostly emotionless. His face, his expression was as dark as his name.

Orion stopped right in front of Sirius, much too close for Sirius comfort.

"I was on the way to the headmaster's office, boy. We got a letter this morning," his father said, as he gripped Sirius shoulder, which made the latter cringe violently, "pack your things, I want you to be ready when I'm finished talking to that muggle-loving fool, do you understand?"

Sirius squirmed a bit, trying to bring more space between himself and his father. "Yes", he answered finally. 

At that his father slapped him. 

"Don't speak to me like that, you worthless brat."

"Yes, _father_ ", Sirius repeated, glaring at the ground as he said the word 'father'. 

After his father shot him a disgusted look, he turned around and resumed his way to Dumbledore's office. Just as he was about to turn around the corner, he looked back at his son and spoke. 

"We will have a long... _talk_ , about this once we're home." 

From the way his father said that, Sirius knew exactly that it wouldn't be a 'talk' they would have, once they were home. 

Once Orion Black was out of sight, Sirius hurried to get further away from the man that called himself his father, but never even remotely cared about him, as far as Sirius could tell. He stepped into the dorm he just left and took a moment to just breath. In and out. In and out. 

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to process what just happened. Why did his father have to take his last two days of freedom, why did his father hate him so much? 

The first time he realised that his father didn't love him, was when he was five. He didn't even know what love or affection was back then, as it was never shown to him. Still he knew that that couldn't be the feeling his cousin Andromeda had described to him when he was little. 

When he was five and still believed in the good in everything and everyone, he was spending time in the garden. The garden of Grimmauld place 12 was little more than grass and a few trees, still Sirius always enjoyed the time he was allowed outside. On that particular occasion he was laughing, running around on his own. Just then a movement on his right caught his attention and he turned just in time to see a little bird fall from its nest. Wide eyed Sirius ran to the fallen bird and kneeled down beside it, trying hard to come up with a way he could help the little creature. 

"Where are your parents little birdy?" Sirius asked finally. 

The bird just chirped weakly in reply, at which Sirius hummed. 

"My parents aren't around, either", he confined, "they're looking for Reggie." 

Sirius looked around, unsure of what to do, but not wanting to let the tiny animal on its own. 

"I'm Siri", he told it, "and you?" 

The little bird just opened and closed its beak without making a sound. 

"Beak, that's your name?" Sirius took the tiny chirp of the bird as a yes. 

"I want to help you, Beak, are you hurt?" Sirius asked, as he looked worriedly at its wings that were bent at a strange angle. 

"You look like you are! I'm going to take you inside, I hope you're parents aren't worried, while we're in the house", with those words he picked the bird up as carefully as possible and started to walk towards the door. 

Once inside, Sirius placed the bird on the kitchen table. He felt helpless, but he would try to do anything so this bird could fly one day. It seemed so unfair that this tiny creature's wings were broken, before it had been able to use them, before it had flied. It was similar with a heart, it wasn't fair when a heart was broken, before it was even able to love, how was that heart supposed to know what love is? 

How was this little bird supposed to know what flying was? What freedom was? Sirius wanted it to know those things. He already felt tears prick at his eyes when he heard the bird give a broken sound. 

Suddenly he felt a rush of a yet unfamiliar feeling run trough his veins and when he opened his eyes again, the bird's wings were healed. It was like magic-, no, it WAS magic. 

Sirius was ecstatic, of course he had had his fair share of accidental magic already, but never performing as strong and significant magic as this. 

He let out a joyous laugh and was just about to bring the bird outside, as the door burst open. Sirius immediately flinched in fear as he saw his father's angry face. 

"What are you doing, boy?", he demanded and then, as he watched at his sons little hands, "what are you carrying?" 

"This little birdy fell from a tree, I healed it with magic", Sirius smiled proudly, "birdy's name is Beak." 

The slap his father gave him was the last thing he expected and it made him stumble a bit. Even though it hurt, he knew better than to make a sound or cry. He looked unsure at his father, not knowing what he did wrong. 

"Listen to me carefully now, boy, compassion is a weakness, kindness is a weakness. When someone or," he gestured vaguely at the now healed bird in Sirius's hand, "something is hurt, it's not worth healing it, broken things are meant to be thrown away. Take advantage of the weaknesses of others and NEVER show any weakness yourself." 

He ripped the bird from Sirius's careful hold, resulting in loud protesting chirping from the bird and a terrified look on Sirius's face. 

"You will kill it", his father said matter of factly, with a stony expression, "to show me you're not weak." 

"N-no, please-", a sharp pain on the right side of his face interrupted him, as his father slapped him again. 

"You'll do it or you'll suffer the consequences", Orion stated. 

Sirius just shook his head, feeling tears well up in his eyes. 

In the next moment his father took his wand and a flash of green light later, the bird in his hand was completely still. 

At that Sirius started to cry in earnest and he regretted ever naming Beak. It was always harder to let someone, whose name you knew, go. 

Sirius, still crying, tried to get a hold of Beak, to at least bury the little bird properly. But his father gripped his shoulder in a way that would surely leave bruises and left the bird carelessly on the kitchen table. 

"You are the biggest coward I've ever seen, you are so pathetic, weak", Orion hissed. 

His father started to drag him away, Sirius knew exactly what was going to come, as they walked towards his father's study. His father's study always meant pain. 

"If you had just let that bird be, it would probably still live", Orion told his shaking and crying son. 

But all Sirius wanted was that little bird to fly, to be free. 

And maybe Sirius's heart was broken, before he even learned how to use it, how to love. Maybe his heart wasn't even whole to begin with. 

And maybe Sirius was like a bird with broken wings. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this chapter we got to know Orion Black a bit, well most of the chapter was a flashback, but still.  
> Little Beak didn't deserve to die:(  
> R. I. P. 
> 
> By the way, I honestly don't have a clue what the rules for punctuation in English are. My punctuation in this story are 50% the German rules and 50% gut feeling, so I'm sorry for any mistakes!!
> 
> Ok, last thing: this isn't actually the whole chapter, but as I thought it would be too long, I will upload the next one tomorrow!  
> Have a lovely day!  
> Lots of love  
> Aria <3
> 
> Title from 'I want to be loved' by Bon Jovi!


	15. Sometimes we get lost and we don't notice

James left the Transfiguration classroom with an angry growl, as he was sent to fetch Sirius for a second time.

He really didn't want to see his ex-best friend right now and there were several reasons for that.

Firstly: The whole Snape thing and Sirius's betrayal were still fresh and his anger slowly started to shift into sadness, devastation. He didn't want to loose his best friend, but was that Sirius even his best friend anymore? Or was the person he grew close to, he learned to love and call his best friends just... not there anymore? 

Secondly: Sirius stole Lily from him! Well, he didn't exactly steal her, as he and Lily never really had a relationship, but still. It hurt to know that he'd lost Lily, but it hurt more that he lost Sirius and he didn't even have the guts to tell him. He figured it out on his own only that morning. How could he have been so blind for so long, it was all there after all: Sirius would come into the dorm late at night; he was pretty sure that at one point there was a box from Lily in front of their dorm addressed to Sirius; the time he caught them hugging in the corridor, who knows what else they've been doing; and Sirius told him that Lily knew about his secret, whatever it was. She knew something about Sirius that not even he, his _best friend_ , knew. 

Thirdly: He felt slightly guilty. When he had entered the dorm previously, he had seen that Sirius clearly had been crying and he had seen blood on the back of Sirius's head and he was pretty sure it had been him who had done that to Sirius. 

He cringed internally at that thought, it wasn't meant to be that way. His priority was always to protect his friends, not to be the one to cause them harm. But then so shouldn't Sirius, and Sirius sure as hell hurt Remus and frankly Sirius hurt him and probably Peter, too. This whole thing hurt James probably more than Sirius would ever know. It hurt James to see Sirius so miserable, the look on Remus face when he told him hurt, it hurt to know that friendship wasn't so strong after all. 

He missed the days when friends were friends forever. The thought that friendships could end didn't even cross his mind back then, but he grew up and he learned that nothing was forever. 

Once arrived in the Gryffindor common room, he climbed the stairs and opened their dorm door. 

When he stepped inside and saw a shaking Sirius packing his suitcase, he stopped dead in his tracks. 

"What are you doing?" he asked before he could stop himself, forgetting his anger and hurt momentarily. 

Sirius flinched violently at the sudden sound and dropped the books he was holding. He whipped his head around and the fearful, no terrified, look in his former best friend's eyes broke James's heart a bit. 

"Wh-what", Sirius took a deep breath, after he noticed the shaky tone of his voice then tried again, "what do you mean?" 

"Why are you packing?" James asked, wanting to let his voice sound cool and disinterested, but not fully succeeding, when Sirius looked so distressed. 

The other boy looked a bit stunned that James was still talking to him in a civil manner and it seemed to unsettle him a bit. 

Sirius bit his lip then said :"I'm going... _home_ for Christmas." 

When James didn't react, Sirius turned around somewhat insecurely and finished packing. 

When the words Sirius had just said sunk in, James all but shouted: "You, WHAT?!" 

At that Sirius cringed again, this time he stumbled away from James a bit. 

When James realised that it was because Sirius was scared of him, he took a step back himself and hated himself a bit, because he knew it was his fault. 

"I'm going home for Christmas", Sirius said after a while in a small voice, looking at the ground. 

"And of course you didn't tell" James stated, again in a cold voice, reminding himself that he was angry at Sirius. 

"I - I'm sorry", Sirius said, "I didn't-" 

"You know what, it doesn't really matter anyway", James said, even though he knew deep down that he was lying. It mattered so much to him, _Sirius_ still mattered to him. He didn't want him to go back there, that's how all the problems started after all, wasn't it? 

"I have to go", Sirius said, sounding on the verge of tears. 

"What, now?!" James asked, cursing himself internally for talking before thinking again. 

"Yeah, my f-father had come to pick me up", Sirius replied, choking out the word 'father'. 

James frowned at that, studying Sirius, who still stood in the middle of the dorm with his suitcase in one hand. He knew Sirius better than he knew himself, at least he liked to think so, and James picked up on the fact that something was wrong with how Sirius said 'home' or 'father'. It really worried James, even though he tried to bring himself not to dwell on it. 

"I really have to go... can I?" Sirius asked nervously, after a minute of silence.

At first James didn't understand, then he realised that he blocked the passage, as he still stood by the door. He stepped out of the way and gave Sirius a cold look, in order to not give him a concerned one.

"I'm sorry", Sirius whispered, as he walked past James.

And as James looked after the retreating form of the dark haired boy, he wished he could do something to help him and a selfish, hurt part of him wished he just wouldn't care.

*

Sirius sighed when he left the dorm, he hated that he had been scared of James for a moment and he hated that James hated him. James was the only person, who ever told him he loved him and now he had lost him.

Sirius was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't really register where he was going. So when suddenly his shoulder was gripped tightly, he jumped and dropped the suitcase he'd been carrying.

He was yanked around promptly by his father. "Didn't I tell you to not keep me waiting? This couldn't have possibly taken you that long."

"I-", Sirius started, but was cut off by a slap.

"Did I tell you, you could talk?"

Sirius shook his head slowly. 

"Then don't talk!" his father nearly shouted.

Sirius looked to the ground, only to feel his father's fingers digging into his jaw a moment later.

"Look at me when I talk to you", Orion Black hissed.

Sirius looked up slowly, surpressing the urge to just run or vomit, whichever came first, when he met the eyes of the man that haunted his dreams. 

"I just learned that it was a _Slytherin_ you tried to kill. A Slytherin! What were you thinking?!" 

After several seconds of silence, in which it became clear that Sirius wasn't going to answer, Orion backhanded his son, which made Sirius gasp in pain. He was pretty sure that there was a bruise on his cheek by now. 

"Answer me, when I talk to you!" Orion's voice shook with rage, but somehow he still managed to keep his face mostly impassive. It was a scary sight. 

But despite being scared, Sirius defiant side started to act up at those words. 

"You just told me to _not_ talk!" Sirius said, glaring at his father. 

He knew he would probably regret it later, but right now his temper got the better of him. He had really tried to please his parents, he had really tried to be a good son, to do what they told him to do, but no matter what he did, he was never good enough for them. Not even before Hogwarts did they ever approve of anything he did. They always found a reason to criticise or punish him, while all Sirius ever wanted was to be loved. 

When he was younger he always took the punishments without question. He thought that maybe if he would just let them hurt him and show them he wasn't weak that maybe they would love him. And he hated himself for it, but deep down he was still just a kid that wanted to be loved by his parents. 

Despite of everything they had done to him, despite of what his father was doing to him, a small part of him stoll loved them and wanted to be loved in return. 

But as his father raised his hand to slap him again, he knew that that longing for love was like a wonderful dream. One was sure they had had that dream, but when one tried to remember it, it was always just out of reach, somewhere in the back of one's mind, till one day it would fade away and one would never know what it was about. 

Just as Sirius braced himself for the pain and squeezed his eyes shut, a booming voice made him startle. 

"Now, now, Mr Black!", Albus Dumbledore said with an unreadable expression, "I will not tolerate such treatment students in my school." 

Orion Black turned slowly, a dangerous expression clouding his features. 

"Sirius is my child and I will treat him, as I see fit", he said in a deadly, but calm voice. It was a tone of voice Sirius had learned to fear. 

"This is my school, I have the responsibility for the children while their here and I will _not_ allow for anybody to hurt them", Dumbledore's voice was void of any kindness by now. 

Orion Black glared at the older wizard, then sneered in disdain. 

"Very well, Mr Dumbledore. We shall leave _your school_ then", Orion said. 

With one last glare in Dumbledore's direction he yanked Sirius by the arm and shoved him in front of him in the direction of the next fireplace connected to the Floo network. 

His father nearly threw Sirius into the fireplace, causing Sirius to stumble and nearly fall on the once arrived at the other side. 

The other side being Grimmauld Place 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okaaaay, Sirius is back in Grimmauld Place, nooo!  
> I'm scared for what will happen to him now and I'm the author!  
> Dumbledore tries? I'm not a big Dumbledore fan, but I think he always had good intentions and at least tried.  
> Anyways, have a lovely day (or evening or night)  
> Lots and lots of love  
> Aria <3
> 
> Title from 'Homesick'

**Author's Note:**

> So this will be about the Marauders' Fifth year. It will be mostly Sirius-centric. What do you think so far?  
> If you have any ideas or suggestions for this story, feel free to write them, after all this is a journey together!   
> In addition, I will warn you at the beginning of each chapter, should there be a triggering theme treated. I hope you're all good and stay safe. :)  
> Lots of love, Aria<3


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